This is a Public Service Announcement

A little Hanchuck Nugget is on the way. Lock your doors and hide your children!!!

Due: August 13th, 2011

Here it is at 12 weeks.

Lost in Transition

Wow...it's almost been a year since I have posted to this blog. Congratulations to me, I'm officially a failed blogger with my 3 posts and 1 whole follower!

I started this blog because I love to write. I stopped writing this blog because life happens, but now....now I find myself needing a hobby more than ever and I'm going to try to make this one of them.

I'll spare my one reader (Hi Sister!!) the misery of reading through every gory detail of the past year, but trust me, it's been both amazing and devastating at the same time.

Here is a recap:

Amazing (Not necessarily in chronological order):

• My husband and I took our long over due Honeymoon trip to Italy this summer. Highlights include: Rome, Pisa, Lucca, Cinque Terre, Chianti, Venice and 24 hours in London.

Rome

Hiking Cinque Terre (Our favorite part of the trip!)

Venice Gondola Rush Hour

• A trip back home to Utah for my brother's wedding. (Longest wedding in the history of all weddings...Mormon style yo!)

This picture is hilarious to me..I feel like I should have 2 sister wives and 25 kids next to me.

• A trip to South Carolina where we fell in love with the city and briefly flirted with the idea of moving there.

• A trip to New Orleans to visit our friends (during Southern Decadence) that took about two weeks to recover from.

• A trip to Chicago for what has become our annual tradition of attending Lollapalooza. This time we took the trip with my oldest brother and his wife and one of my sisters and her boyfriend. Let me tell you...there is nothing in the world that compares to sharing a common love of music with siblings..it was an amazing trip! I have the most amazing family in the world!!

• Concerts, concerts and more concerts. 
• Babies babies babies. 
• Various other debaucherous activities.

Devastating:

After 12 years of raising her (8 of those as a single mother), my daughter decided to spread her wings and try living with her dad in San Diego for a year.

It's not something that surprised me or came out of the blue. I had promised her all her life she could make that decision when she turned 12. She even tried to prepare me for the inevitability during innocent conversations on the way to soccer practice or the grocery store. 

"You know I'm almost 12 mom, and you remember you promised me I could try and live with my dad. I just want to make sure you know I'm going to do it."

"Yeah yeah, I know, we'll cross that bridge when it comes."

I always said this with the conviction that when the time did come, she would balk. That by the end of her summertime visit she would be "over it" and ready to come back like every year.

My husband did his best to keep me distracted all summer with traveling. Friends and family all tried to comfort me by saying "she'll come back". I held myself together by convincing myself she would. It wasn't until I had to call her school district a couple of days before school was to start and let them know she would not be attending here this year, that it really hit me. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for hours. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. 

So, I've kind of been lost in this transition. Battling some depression and anxiety. Trying to navigate my way through this new existence and identity that no longer includes being a full time mom. It's strange that while I in no way lost my daughter, I still moved through the stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and I think I've finally moved into Acceptance. There are times when I enjoy the freedom of being able to pick up and go whenever and wherever I want, and being able to run around my house naked, then there are times when a mountain of pain crushes me until I can't breathe or do anything but sit and sob, but most of the time now, it just..... is. And I'll tell you right now, there is no way I would be able to get through this without my amazing husband. Even though I scream at him when he says the wrong things, when he's only trying to comfort me while inconsolable, I am so grateful for the tremendous support he has been through this whole experience.

It scares the shit out of me that she is nearly an exact replica of myself, right down to her desire to take advantage of every opportunity to exercise her independence, her need for change and thirst for adventure and of course her mule like stubbornness. As hard as this has been on me, I am extremely proud of my daughter. It's scary to start a new school and meet new friends to put yourself out there into the unknown, especially in 7th grade. I hope this experience will strengthen her and give her a broader sense of the world, and maybe a greater appreciation for our relationship. I hope she knows and understands how much I love her.

More than anything though, I hope come the end of the school year - she'll come back.

Not That Fateful and Dreaded Phone Call

Tayler got out of the shower yesterday and came in my room wrapped in a towel, hair dripping on the floor to show me some purple-ish spots on her chest. I did the usual sick child spot check. No fever. No runny nose. No cough. No aches or pains. So, I sent her off to school with instructions to keep her eye on them and call me if they started multiplying. Around noon, I get a phone call from her saying she had 7 spots this morning, and now there are 11. I picked her up from school, did another spot check. No symptoms of any kind. I called the doctor and they told me to bring her in.

All of her vitals were perfect as usual and she was cheery and happy. The doctor came in and took a look at the spots, checked her legs, listened to her lungs, checked the spots again, and made that god awful perplexed "hmmmm", you know, the one with the furrowed brow that makes your stomach turn. She then told me the spots are purpura. Pur..whaaaaa?? Purpura is essentially bleeding under the skin and can be caused by a multitude of things ranging from meningitis to simple trauma to the area.

"I'll be right back" the doctor says and steps out of the room. My concern grows as I just know she's going to find another doctor for another opinion, and of course moments later in walks the doctor with her colleague. He looks at the spots more "hmmmmmms". He has her lie down and lifts her head, moves it around in circles, asks some questions, and rules out meningitis..whewwwwwww!!! The options we were left with were a: Trauma or B: low platelets...shiiiiiiiit!!! He recommends some blood tests and leaves.

This of course throws Tayler into a near panic. The last time a needle had to enter Tayler about 6 years ago, it took 6 grown nurses to hold her down. I gave the typical reassurances..."You're a young adult now" "You can handle this" "It's not as bad as a shot" "Mommy will be right here, holding your hand." "I'll buy you ice cream if you're brave"... When the nurse came in to draw the blood, she manned up..shut her eyes really tight, winced a little, squeezed the shit out of my hand, and only said "ow" once. I was very proud of her!!

The doctor came back in and let me know she was sending the blood to the labs to be tested STAT, not because she thought it was anything serious, but because she was curious...seriously?!?!?! This is what you say to reassure a parent you have just told their child could potentially have leukemia?!?!? I'm curious?!?! WTF...she sent me home with purpura written on a piece of paper and explicit instructions NOT TO GOOGLE IT when I got home.

We went home. Picked up a frozen pizza and the promised ice cream at the store. I had promised Tayler we would watch My Sister's Keeper when Ross was out of town this week. As much as I was sure I did NOT want to sit with my daughter and watch a dramatic sob story about a girl with..you guessed it..Leukemia, I felt like what I needed to do with Tayler right now was act normal. She did not need her mom in total freak-out mode...freaking her out.

So we watched the movie, while I choked back tears. I literally forced myself NOT to cry..and that was a SAD movie!! And I waited...and waited...and waited. We left the doctor's office at 5.. at 7 there was still no call...at 8 there was still no call. I continued to reassure myself that there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with her..she was healthy and active...but when you're in these situations, you can't help but think about all of the movies and blogs you read from parents with seriously sick children..how their kid was fine, then one day some strange something or other appears, and the next thing they know their fighting some epic battle with a life-threatening disease. I wasn't in a full blown panic, but it was definitely lingering at the back of my head.

Around 9, I got the call. I knew immediately by the chipper way the doctor said "Hi!" that everything was fine, a total rush of relief when she said Tayler's blood is perfect.

I was beyond grateful and relieved that it was NOT one of those calls that turn your world upside down, and in that moment, my heart went out to all of those parents who have answered that phone call and heard a somber doctor on the other end of the line.