The Freaks Come Out At Night

Somewhere around 2 in the morning, I awoke to some sort of scratchy squeaky noise and I was convinced the "things" that have infested our walls and attic had finally succeeded in clawing their way through the wall as they have been trying desperately to do ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT for about three months..or maybe longer now...because my husband who is ALWAYS on top of things says everyday "I'm on it..I'll do it tomorrow"

translation: "You keep moving your mouth, but all I hear is blahh blahhh blahh".

My heart jumped into my throat as I imagined something along the lines of THIS crawling out of a hole under the bed with the sole purpose of clawing my eyes out.

















Just kidding..my imagination isn't THAT good..I Google'd "Rat Monster". Although...you never know these days, what with cancer and the chemicals in the air and what-not..that IS probably a very close representation of what has been building a freaking condo complex up in my attic ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT..or then again, it could be an image depicting the personality of my almost 11 year daughter that has surfaced over the past two months..

Luckily it was just the stupid cat lapping up the water in the cup I left beside the bed. You would think that knowing I had two cats whose natural instincts SHOULD be to hunt down little creatures like this and destroy them would be somewhat comforting, but then you would have to know my cats. Moon would just sit there and stare at it with that phlegmatic (I found that word on Thesaurus.com..because I am oh so clever!!) expression because she's too freaking lazy to move her fat ass and chase anything and she just doesn't give a shit..and Cassady is scared of her own shadow..she would have a heart attack and die instantly at the sight of that thing....

either way I'm in desperate need an exterminator..or a terminator and maybe even an exorcist...for my walls AND Tayler's new tween alter-ego..

a two for one deal would be extra nice!!

Taking a Ride on The Obama Bandwagon

In my 10 years of voting eligibilty..this was the first year I got out and excersized my right.

Why this year? I don't know..maybe because I've never felt like change has ever been needed more than right now..maybe because my bleeding heart liberal husband has helped open my eyes (aka: subjected me to politics for approximately 15 excrutiating hours a day) and interest in who's guiding the super-power of the world..maybe because Bush honestly envoked enough fear into my heart..fear that our current choice in leadership was dragging us all to hell by the collar..and my daughter's generation would be left to pick up the pieces.

But I'm pretty sure that because I took an interest..because I stood up and said enough of this shit...I sat on my bed next to my hubby and heard a great man speak today..and the sun is now shining on our hopeful future!!

Ho HO Ho!!!!

Moon would like to wish everyone Happy Holidays..she has been growing a beard all year in anticipation of being extra festive this holiday season. Moon is camera shy and obviously snuck of some of Ross's holiday "cheer" before her big holiday photo shoot. .. she would also like to add..... "Dear Santa, please rescue me from these ass holes who think I am here for their own amusement and drunken entertainment"














Cassady would also like to wish you all Happy Holidays...she too wanted to add a special comment ... but it was too crass and obscene to share.

Why Smart Women Carry Purses

Ok..so this past Friday we went out to celebrate a friend's birthday.

As I normally do, because I refuse to lug a purse around a club...and I HATE having things in my pockets...mostly because there isn't any room in the pockets of my PAINTED ON jeans...because A: that's how they make the majority of women's jeans and B: because my fat ass doesn't fit into anything in my closet now that I am "nesting" or whatever you want to call it (sitting on my ass all day eating shit and gaining weight like no body's business) ... that's right...it's none of your business how much I've gained.

Anyway, back to the story....I gave all of my necessities to Ross to carry around in his pockets (because men always have plenty of room in THEIR jeans...wtf??).

That day, I had purchased this:

My new most favorite thing in the world.

As I handed it to him...I warned that he was to guard it with his life...only letting it out of his sight when I requested it...warning him that his happiness and well being depended on my ownership of this very chap stick.

5 to 12 drinks later...we're wandering around the block in circles trying to find our car and I ask for my precious Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine. Ross searches all of his pockets..and surprise surprise...NO FUCKING Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine!!

I spent the entire car ride home asking in 2 minute intervals..."where is my fucking chap stick??" ... "where is it??" (yes, I know...poor Ross really does put up with that crap...I'm surprised too.)..I also spent the next two days asking "where is my fucking chap stick??"

So...blah blah blah...it's Wednesday, and I had to make a trip to Target, which just so happens to be next to Bath & Body Works..so I run in and purchase another $5 Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine....and tell Ross he's going to have to make it up to me in some form of favor/chore that I will be sure he will NOT enjoy.... later that night..we're at the local Cider House having a drink with a friend and she turns to me and says...

E: "Oh..hey..here's your chap stick back."

D: (eyes bulging out of her head in astonishment and terror) "WTF...how did you get my chap stick??"

E: "You gave it to me at the club and told me to guard it with my life or you would make me miserable forever."

Ross: "Oh...you are so going to pay for this...I think you owe me a PUBLIC apology"

So...here it is...

Baby, I'm sorry I made your life a living hell for three days because you lost my Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine, when in fact, you did not lose my Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine. You are amazing and I suck.

The End

Because Who Doesn't Love a Sexy & Witty Serial Killer???

One item on my very long, very involved list of self-indulgences would include this show:

If you have not seen it. What the hell is wrong with you? If you have seen it...holy shit...is this not the BEST season EVER!!!!

Ross and I watch it religiously every Sunday...and if Ross happens to be out of town..I am FORBID to even THINK about glancing at it with out him present. For one, he gets very very jealous any time I get to indulge in something he has to abstain from, and two, he knows he'll have to listen to me gloat about said indulgence and my threats to spoil the plot entirely should he upset me in anyway.

If you have showtime, it's not too late! They run all of their episodes on Show-on-demand...go now...hurry...You'll LOOOOOVE it...I promise!!

A Few of My Most Random Thoughts Today

Dear girl down the hall...you sound like an elephant when you walk..seriously..the men weigh more than you and don't make half the noise..is it really that necessary to stomp like that...does it REALLY make you feel THAT powerful and "in charge"???

I'm a daily Dooce reader...I read today that she's pregnant...It made me a little bit jealous..no..actually...alot a bit...........uh oh.

I am elated to have witnessed and participated in such a monumental election this year...it feels good to know that society is progressing...hopefully we can ALL progress to giving EVERYONE equal rights soon.

There's been a mass exodus from Myspace to Facebook...Don't ask me to explain it...must be like flying South for the winter or something.

This is me...Scott....and my mother-in-law...who is so much cooler than your mother-in-law could ever dream to be!

This is also why my wedding was seriously the best wedding EVER..I mean c'mon..did you and your mother-in-law simultaneously bite the nipple rings of your friend in bondage gear at your wedding??....I didn't think so.

wedding...wedding...wedding...still obsessing

Tayler made honor roll this past Friday for the very first time in her now 6-year school career. I am so proud of her...I am so grateful for 5mg of adderall daily.

And I should probably be on Xanax.

That's all for now.

The Hip-Hop Hater Club

D-licious has always been a hip-hop hater. Hate the rap..hate the hip hop..hate most pop..Ok.. I'll admit that I'm some-what of a music snob. Ross likes to put it this way.."If you have heard of them, then D-dicious doesn't like them". If it's mainstream...I'm likely to turn my nose up at it, as snobs are prone to do.

So you will imagine my surprise when our local public radio station (because mainstream hater refuses to listen to any other radio station) played a hip-hop song..and I completely fell in love with it!!! I RAN from my car, through the front door, straight to the computer and pulled them up on MySpace. Directly after filling my ears with this delicious new spin on the genre, whilst bouncing around in my chair, waving my arms above my head all white girl gangsta-ish...I bought their album on iTunes...and now I'm hooked. I've been playing it in my car non-stop..I'm the retard in the car next to you bobbing her head up and down and smiling like an idiot.

I'm feeling somewhat generous today, so I thought I would share them with all of you so you can fall in love with them too!! This isn't the song that made me love them, but youtube didn't have it...so click here for their MySpace page and listen to Miss Cindy.



Now THAT is the kind of jam a white girl can really groove to. And the penguin-walk dead arm swing...I'm totally stealing that move.

Get That Bitch Off The Stage!!

All right...it's been a while..I knooooooow!! So here's a little glimpse into the life and times of D-licious this past month.


My company tanked last month leaving me jobless and two paychecks down 4 weeks before my VERY expensive and not quite paid for wedding. So..I panicked..took a deep breath..panicked..panicked some more..sent out my resume..panicked....and 8 interviews and three weeks later..I got a new job...In a meat locker..where I sit in a chair... in front of a computer all day....and FREEZE...with my co-workers who are all apparently polar bears. I find I have to be very cautious with my hands lest my fingers..which are now icicles...should shatter into tiny little pieces. And that's that. Better opportunities are on the horizon, but this will have to do...for now.
















My totally AWESOME sister and friends threw Ross and I a wedding shower and subsequent separate bachelor and bachelorette parties...
complete with party bus and a giant blow-up penis!

















Our first stop of the night was a gay club, where my sister...being "the sister" that she is...thought it would be cute to make me get up on stage and dance...by myself...in front of a large group a lesbian women, fully adorned in blow penis and "bride to be" paraphernalia.

















Now...apparently...gay women... are not such big fans of the penis... and while I usually find myself warmly embraced by the gay community...my reception was not well received....to say the least. As I stood on that stage and awkwardly gyrated my hips..doing my most very best to be sexy....I could not recall a moment in my life when I have ever felt so humiliated....(wait...maybe that one time)...oh .. Nope..NEVER. If daggers could be flung from eye balls, I would not be here today to tell this horrid tale folks...and that little plastic penis you see dangling in the picture (may he rest in peace)...COMPLETELY annihilated by one angry chick's teeth......so maybe that was the whole point..the whole "let's humiliate the dumb bride" thing..I get it...but no...THAT WAS NOT GOOD!!!

The rest of the night was followed by getting kicked out of a club because one of our party was so trashed, she kept falling over...someone cried...someone threw up on the party bus...someone got left in the strip club...we met up with the guys...and ended the night in my most favorite spot..The Castle...and I made out with the hottest man alive!!!! All in all...a great night...except maybe the whole angry lesbians part.















So here we are...one week from today we take off for Key West...In exactly 11 days I will Mrs. El-Dangerosso. I'm losing my mind with excitement. I thought I would be little more freaked out and nervous about the whole thing..but I guess when it's right..and you know it...the are no reservations.

So stay tuned..because the wedding details are likely to be VERY juicy!!!!!

Business Time

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Dear Passengers

Dear Passengers on Airplanes,

Please take a hint when the person next to you with the blood-shot baggy eyes, that has been flying for the past 8 hours, running from terminal to terminal desperately trying to catch their flight, puts on their earphones, turns the volume ALL the way up, puts their seat back, and closes their eyes. THIS is a sign that the poor exhausted person next to you does NOT want to have an hour and a half conversation about retirement planning through modern portfolio theory. Although you are kind enough, the person next to you just wants ONE FREAKING MINUTE OF QUIET, so don't talk to her...or yourself for the ENTIRE DURATION of the god damn flight!!

Please do not bring you tattered and torn stuffed pet monkey onto an airplane, you are a grown woman at least in your forties (if not, I apologize...MAYBE you could pass for late late thirties, but that's cuttin it pretty close) .. It is also NOT necessary to explain to the public that it is in fact the very first Valentine's present EVER given to you....last year. There is probably a reason for that, and you should keep it to yourself, and leave the stuffed animal at home...maybe with a two year old, where it would be better suited.

Please remember to bring head phones. I don't give a shit how small your ears are, and how much they hurt you. WE do not want to have to sit and listen to hours of "Oh..no you di..innnt"... not all of us enjoy your taste in comedy...and not all of us want to listen to Kenny G for two mother f*ing hours. I don't make you sit on a 4 hour flight and listen to my crap...why in HELL do you find it acceptable to make EVERYONE on the plane listen to yours?.. please take a minute to contemplate the horror that flight would have been, were everyone to be as inconsiderate as you!

Please DO NOT talk animatedly with the psycho lady two seats over, when the person in the middle is trying to sleep. Please DO NOT pass pictures back and forth over the person in the middle seat, who is trying to sleep. Please DO NOT elbow the person next to you as you dig for the afore mentioned pictures in your bag. Please, dear god please....sit still and SHUT UP!!!

And last, Airplane Passengers, Young children do not typically enjoy flying on airplanes. They do not know how to pop their ears and it can be an extremely painful experience for them. These are circumstances when it is perfectly acceptable, and should be required to drug your freaking child. NyQuil works wonders. Three and a half hours of screaming is not fun for you, and is not fun for the rest of the airplane either. Next time you drag your kid on a plane, be prepared, be kind, knock her out. We won't judge you, in fact we'll praise you.

Thank you,

I'm so damn tired, and want nothing more than to just close my eyes and sleep through this flight, but can't....because you're obnoxious...D-licious

That Whole Bristol Situation..My Two Cents

Ok..here goes...this is my rant.

I grew up in a very right-wing, Republican and Mormon home. I was taught that if you have sex before you are married you get a one-way ticket straight to hell, you do not pass go, you do not collect $200. I was NOT taught anything about birth control, about choices, or even what the very act of sex was...I never got the sex talk..other than, "don't do it or you're damned".. and there certainly was NOT an open line of communication regarding anything of a sexual nature with any of the adults in my life.

I was pregnant at 17 too.

An while, I certainly cannot and do not blame my parents for the stupid actions I took ... it's obvious that...

Teaching abstinence does NOT WORK!

Ignorance does not keep our children, or the rest of the population from harm, in fact, it increases the chances of people doing something stupid or making ill-informed or careless decisions.

Right winged philosophy has and will continue to encourage ignorance..and that folks, is why our country is where it is today.

VOTE OBAMA!!!!!

"After Sex" talk...

R: What are you thinking about baby?

D: Ummm..I'm contemplating matter.

Silence

D: *sigh* what are YOU thinking about baby? (thinking maybe he had something profoundly romantic to say)

R: Oh, just electrons.

D: Electrons are part of matter.

R: And neutrons.

D: Neutrons are part of matter.

R: Yeah, but I'm still a deeper thinker.

D: How do you figure? I'm thinking about matter which covers a much broader spectrum than just electrons and neutrons, so I would have to say, that I am a much deeper thinker.

R: Nuh uh, I get right down into the core of the matter.

D: So you're really thinking about nuclei than.

R: Ahhhhh yea, nucleus.

D: ..................................................................You're dumb.

(Yes, we truley are THAT dorky)

Cat and Mouse..errrr...Lizard

Meet Cassidy..

The "genius" kitty..and I mean "genuis" in the same loving way that people look at ugly babies with pitty in their eyes and call them "sweet". Cassady is a "Hemmingway" cat, which means she has an extra thumb on her two front paws. Apparently, this extra thumb hinders her ability to be graceful, like little kitties should be. Cassidy quite often misses her target when trying to leap from one object (say..the couch).. to another (the bookshelf...only a foot and a half away) she also has a tendency to randomly fall off of perfectly flat and stable objects. We love our poor "kitty- skills" challenged kitty because she has been a tremendous source of laughter in our house. I'm pretty sure she is starting to catch on to this though, because while she used to be a lap kitty who couldn't get enough attention, she now refuses to sit on our laps or be held, and she sits and stares at us as if to say "You guys are all ass holes..and I KNOW your fucking laughing at ME!"

Enter Tonto....

Tonto somehow caught wind of this "genius" little kitty that lives in our house, and decided to make her HIS source of entertainment. Every night, between 8:12 and 8:22, Tonto shows up on our window screen. Nothing excites little Cassidy more, and at 8:00 every night, she parks herself in front of that window, and waits for him to show up.

One thing that Cassidy has never been able to grasp, is that no matter how long and how hard you paw at a window, you are not digging your way through it, but bless her soul if she doesn't try her damnedest.... All-the-while, Tonto the Tyrannical Taunter, runs from one end of the screen to the other...laughing hysterically, and I'm sure if you were on the other side of this window you would hear a munchkin voice saying "nah nana nah nah nah......you can't get me"

Meet Moon....

Well..this is moon when she was younger, but it's the only picture I have presently availble. Moon could not care less about the stupid lizard in the stupid window....She always hits her mark, she never falls over, she's far too smart to fall for the laser pointer spinning her in circles, and she looks at us as if to say "you're all fucking idiots..."

Moon is the favorite

Vogue

I am NOT a model. I do not WANT to be a model. The only characteristics I possess that even closely resemble a model are:

1: At 5'9", I'm fairly tall
2: I can walk in a straight line..in heels

Now, I'll admit, that I may have flirted with the idea of being an international super model when I was younger (like 9), but those fantasies were quickly dashed when at 17 I found myself pregnant, and thereafter stretch-marked and saggy in places where real models are smooth and perky (or mostly just flat).

Anyhow. Being that I am naturally drawn to unstable people, and unstable people tend to be artistic, I have met quite a few people in the "art industry" here in Florida. Somehow, I got caught up in doing fashion shows for local designers and artists.

I got a kick out of it at first (I am after-all an attention whore), but quickly caught on that spending up to 10 hours per show, surrounded by "like, Oh..my..god" 18 to twenty-somethings, while acting as a slave to somebody else's art...for free, just isn't my cup of tea. So I "retired", from something I was never paid to do, that in all honesty, I had no business doing in the first place.

Now that I've rambled on about that... last week, one of my very talented artist friends called me in a panic after he fired one of his models, begging me to step in. At first I tried to get out of it, and then being the sucker that I am, started to feel bad, and finally agreed to do the show. I will say though, if I am going to do any show for any artist, it would be Wearable Art walking for Frank Strunk. I actually had a really fun time. Tay and Ross came to cheer me on. Ross gave Tay the camera in order to keep her occupied, so here is me on the runway...shot by Tay.















Here I am in all my radical 80's hair and camel toe glory, in metal lingerie by Frank Strunk III...shot by Tampa Bay Muse




















In other, more interesting, weekly update news...School got off to a late start, due to the imminent threat that was the big bad hurricane Fay. That never did get to hurricane status, and didn't even come anywhere near us, but still managed to induce panic in the Florida senile masses. So school started today instead. Tay is now a 5th grader, which is ironic, because I gave birth to her, like, yesterday. Here she is...

Please ignore the dead grass in the background, as Ross and I are very environmentally conscious people, and do not water in order to save the environment. (haha)

Walk it out bitch!!

I never get invited to the really good parties.....
You have to listen to the guy in the background for the full effect..

Shits and Giggles

Ross sent me one of those chain emails with funny shit..it brightened my day..here are a couple I thought you would enjoy, if you haven't already recieved this particular email 783 times already.















And if you don't pass it on to 31 people within 2.6 seconds, you will die a painful horrible death and burn in hell for all eternity. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.