Why Smart Women Carry Purses

Ok..so this past Friday we went out to celebrate a friend's birthday.

As I normally do, because I refuse to lug a purse around a club...and I HATE having things in my pockets...mostly because there isn't any room in the pockets of my PAINTED ON jeans...because A: that's how they make the majority of women's jeans and B: because my fat ass doesn't fit into anything in my closet now that I am "nesting" or whatever you want to call it (sitting on my ass all day eating shit and gaining weight like no body's business) ... that's right...it's none of your business how much I've gained.

Anyway, back to the story....I gave all of my necessities to Ross to carry around in his pockets (because men always have plenty of room in THEIR jeans...wtf??).

That day, I had purchased this:

My new most favorite thing in the world.

As I handed it to him...I warned that he was to guard it with his life...only letting it out of his sight when I requested it...warning him that his happiness and well being depended on my ownership of this very chap stick.

5 to 12 drinks later...we're wandering around the block in circles trying to find our car and I ask for my precious Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine. Ross searches all of his pockets..and surprise surprise...NO FUCKING Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine!!

I spent the entire car ride home asking in 2 minute intervals..."where is my fucking chap stick??" ... "where is it??" (yes, I know...poor Ross really does put up with that crap...I'm surprised too.)..I also spent the next two days asking "where is my fucking chap stick??"

So...blah blah blah...it's Wednesday, and I had to make a trip to Target, which just so happens to be next to Bath & Body Works..so I run in and purchase another $5 Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine....and tell Ross he's going to have to make it up to me in some form of favor/chore that I will be sure he will NOT enjoy.... later that night..we're at the local Cider House having a drink with a friend and she turns to me and says...

E: "Oh..hey..here's your chap stick back."

D: (eyes bulging out of her head in astonishment and terror) "WTF...how did you get my chap stick??"

E: "You gave it to me at the club and told me to guard it with my life or you would make me miserable forever."

Ross: "Oh...you are so going to pay for this...I think you owe me a PUBLIC apology"

So...here it is...

Baby, I'm sorry I made your life a living hell for three days because you lost my Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine, when in fact, you did not lose my Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine. You are amazing and I suck.

The End

Because Who Doesn't Love a Sexy & Witty Serial Killer???

One item on my very long, very involved list of self-indulgences would include this show:

If you have not seen it. What the hell is wrong with you? If you have seen it...holy shit...is this not the BEST season EVER!!!!

Ross and I watch it religiously every Sunday...and if Ross happens to be out of town..I am FORBID to even THINK about glancing at it with out him present. For one, he gets very very jealous any time I get to indulge in something he has to abstain from, and two, he knows he'll have to listen to me gloat about said indulgence and my threats to spoil the plot entirely should he upset me in anyway.

If you have showtime, it's not too late! They run all of their episodes on Show-on-demand...go now...hurry...You'll LOOOOOVE it...I promise!!

Please tell me you did NOT go out in that??? The Ho-Down Show-Down

So..Tayler's school had a "Ho-down" last night for the 4th and 5th graders. My best friend's son goes to school with her and we thought it would be fun to get together for dinner while the kids are at this...Ho-down thing. Actually, she offered to make me dinner...and when would I EVER pass up the opportunity to sit on my ass and drink wine while some else slaves away at the stove??

Two glasses of wine later the kids are yelling from the door that they were leaving to walk the three blocks to the school....we waved them off cheerfully from the kitchen..out of sight from the front door....and poured another glass of wine.

Two hours and one drunk D-licious later (yes, I know it was Thursday night..but c'mon..that's only one day away from Friday..I like my pre-weekend celebrations)...Ross goes to pick them up....I'm sitting on the couch when my daughter comes sauntering in the house...in a spaghetti strap dress-thing that I am pretty sure is really supposed to be a shirt...and patent leather shoes with little heels. I...was....MORTIFIED....seriously MORTIFIED. The only consolation was that she was in-fact smart enough to put shorts on under this atrocity that she for some reason considered appropriate to not only wear out in public...but to a SCHOOL function none-the-less.

We made a feeble attempt at the "modesty talk" where she of course played dumb..(because she is so smart)...claiming that "yea, but I'm wearing shorts underneath" ... 45 minutes of arguing later... I'm pretty sure she now understands the definition of the word modesty, but she by no means has any intentions of implementing it into her wardrobe choices. So naturally we threatened to put her in a habit...permanently...if she EVER tries to walk out the door like that again.

AND now I get to be "THAT parent"...yep...the one who's child they look at with pity because her mom is obviously "absent" in the parental control category...and as an added benefit, I get the knowledge that she isn't even close to her teen years..and it's starting already. Lord....help....me!

What have we learned here today??.... Put the wine down...and pay attention to your freaking kid when she walks out the damn door.