I started this blog because I love to write. I stopped writing this blog because life happens, but now....now I find myself needing a hobby more than ever and I'm going to try to make this one of them.
I'll spare my one reader (Hi Sister!!) the misery of reading through every gory detail of the past year, but trust me, it's been both amazing and devastating at the same time.
Here is a recap:
Amazing (Not necessarily in chronological order):
- My husband and I took our long over due Honeymoon trip to Italy this summer. Highlights include: Rome, Pisa, Lucca, Cinque Terre, Chianti, Venice and 24 hours in London.
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| Rome |
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| Hiking Cinque Terre (Our favorite part of the trip!) |
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| Venice Gondola Rush Hour |
- A trip back home to Utah for my brother's wedding. (Longest wedding in the history of all weddings...Mormon style yo!)
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| This picture is hilarious to me..I feel like I should have 2 sister wives and 25 kids next to me. |
- A trip to South Carolina where we fell in love with the city and briefly flirted with the idea of moving there.
- A trip to New Orleans to visit our friends (during Southern Decadence) that took about two weeks to recover from.
- A trip to Chicago for what has become our annual tradition of attending Lollapalooza. This time we took the trip with my oldest brother and his wife and one of my sisters and her boyfriend. Let me tell you...there is nothing in the world that compares to sharing a common love of music with siblings..it was an amazing trip! I have the most amazing family in the world!!
- Concerts, concerts and more concerts.
- Babies babies babies.
- Various other debaucherous activities.
Devastating:
After 12 years of raising her (8 of those as a single mother), my daughter decided to spread her wings and try living with her dad in San Diego for a year.
It's not something that surprised me or came out of the blue. I had promised her all her life she could make that decision when she turned 12. She even tried to prepare me for the inevitability during innocent conversations on the way to soccer practice or the grocery store.
"You know I'm almost 12 mom, and you remember you promised me I could try and live with my dad. I just want to make sure you know I'm going to do it."
"Yeah yeah, I know, we'll cross that bridge when it comes."
I always said this with the conviction that when the time did come, she would balk. That by the end of her summertime visit she would be "over it" and ready to come back like every year.
My husband did his best to keep me distracted all summer with traveling. Friends and family all tried to comfort me by saying "she'll come back". I held myself together by convincing myself she would. It wasn't until I had to call her school district a couple of days before school was to start and let them know she would not be attending here this year, that it really hit me. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for hours. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.
So, I've kind of been lost in this transition. Battling some depression and anxiety. Trying to navigate my way through this new existence and identity that no longer includes being a full time mom. It's strange that while I in no way lost my daughter, I still moved through the stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and I think I've finally moved into Acceptance. There are times when I enjoy the freedom of being able to pick up and go whenever and wherever I want, and being able to run around my house naked, then there are times when a mountain of pain crushes me until I can't breathe or do anything but sit and sob, but most of the time now, it just..... is. And I'll tell you right now, there is no way I would be able to get through this without my amazing husband. Even though I scream at him when he says the wrong things, when he's only trying to comfort me while inconsolable, I am so grateful for the tremendous support he has been through this whole experience.
It scares the shit out of me that she is nearly an exact replica of myself, right down to her desire to take advantage of every opportunity to exercise her independence, her need for change and thirst for adventure and of course her mule like stubbornness. As hard as this has been on me, I am extremely proud of my daughter. It's scary to start a new school and meet new friends to put yourself out there into the unknown, especially in 7th grade. I hope this experience will strengthen her and give her a broader sense of the world, and maybe a greater appreciation for our relationship. I hope she knows and understands how much I love her.
More than anything though, I hope come the end of the school year - she'll come back.
More than anything though, I hope come the end of the school year - she'll come back.
