Why Smart Women Carry Purses

Ok..so this past Friday we went out to celebrate a friend's birthday.

As I normally do, because I refuse to lug a purse around a club...and I HATE having things in my pockets...mostly because there isn't any room in the pockets of my PAINTED ON jeans...because A: that's how they make the majority of women's jeans and B: because my fat ass doesn't fit into anything in my closet now that I am "nesting" or whatever you want to call it (sitting on my ass all day eating shit and gaining weight like no body's business) ... that's right...it's none of your business how much I've gained.

Anyway, back to the story....I gave all of my necessities to Ross to carry around in his pockets (because men always have plenty of room in THEIR jeans...wtf??).

That day, I had purchased this:

My new most favorite thing in the world.

As I handed it to him...I warned that he was to guard it with his life...only letting it out of his sight when I requested it...warning him that his happiness and well being depended on my ownership of this very chap stick.

5 to 12 drinks later...we're wandering around the block in circles trying to find our car and I ask for my precious Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine. Ross searches all of his pockets..and surprise surprise...NO FUCKING Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine!!

I spent the entire car ride home asking in 2 minute intervals..."where is my fucking chap stick??" ... "where is it??" (yes, I know...poor Ross really does put up with that crap...I'm surprised too.)..I also spent the next two days asking "where is my fucking chap stick??"

So...blah blah blah...it's Wednesday, and I had to make a trip to Target, which just so happens to be next to Bath & Body Works..so I run in and purchase another $5 Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine....and tell Ross he's going to have to make it up to me in some form of favor/chore that I will be sure he will NOT enjoy.... later that night..we're at the local Cider House having a drink with a friend and she turns to me and says...

E: "Oh..hey..here's your chap stick back."

D: (eyes bulging out of her head in astonishment and terror) "WTF...how did you get my chap stick??"

E: "You gave it to me at the club and told me to guard it with my life or you would make me miserable forever."

Ross: "Oh...you are so going to pay for this...I think you owe me a PUBLIC apology"

So...here it is...

Baby, I'm sorry I made your life a living hell for three days because you lost my Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine, when in fact, you did not lose my Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine. You are amazing and I suck.

The End

Because Who Doesn't Love a Sexy & Witty Serial Killer???

One item on my very long, very involved list of self-indulgences would include this show:

If you have not seen it. What the hell is wrong with you? If you have seen it...holy shit...is this not the BEST season EVER!!!!

Ross and I watch it religiously every Sunday...and if Ross happens to be out of town..I am FORBID to even THINK about glancing at it with out him present. For one, he gets very very jealous any time I get to indulge in something he has to abstain from, and two, he knows he'll have to listen to me gloat about said indulgence and my threats to spoil the plot entirely should he upset me in anyway.

If you have showtime, it's not too late! They run all of their episodes on Show-on-demand...go now...hurry...You'll LOOOOOVE it...I promise!!

Please tell me you did NOT go out in that??? The Ho-Down Show-Down

So..Tayler's school had a "Ho-down" last night for the 4th and 5th graders. My best friend's son goes to school with her and we thought it would be fun to get together for dinner while the kids are at this...Ho-down thing. Actually, she offered to make me dinner...and when would I EVER pass up the opportunity to sit on my ass and drink wine while some else slaves away at the stove??

Two glasses of wine later the kids are yelling from the door that they were leaving to walk the three blocks to the school....we waved them off cheerfully from the kitchen..out of sight from the front door....and poured another glass of wine.

Two hours and one drunk D-licious later (yes, I know it was Thursday night..but c'mon..that's only one day away from Friday..I like my pre-weekend celebrations)...Ross goes to pick them up....I'm sitting on the couch when my daughter comes sauntering in the house...in a spaghetti strap dress-thing that I am pretty sure is really supposed to be a shirt...and patent leather shoes with little heels. I...was....MORTIFIED....seriously MORTIFIED. The only consolation was that she was in-fact smart enough to put shorts on under this atrocity that she for some reason considered appropriate to not only wear out in public...but to a SCHOOL function none-the-less.

We made a feeble attempt at the "modesty talk" where she of course played dumb..(because she is so smart)...claiming that "yea, but I'm wearing shorts underneath" ... 45 minutes of arguing later... I'm pretty sure she now understands the definition of the word modesty, but she by no means has any intentions of implementing it into her wardrobe choices. So naturally we threatened to put her in a habit...permanently...if she EVER tries to walk out the door like that again.

AND now I get to be "THAT parent"...yep...the one who's child they look at with pity because her mom is obviously "absent" in the parental control category...and as an added benefit, I get the knowledge that she isn't even close to her teen years..and it's starting already. Lord....help....me!

What have we learned here today??.... Put the wine down...and pay attention to your freaking kid when she walks out the damn door.

A Few of My Most Random Thoughts Today

Dear girl down the hall...you sound like an elephant when you walk..seriously..the men weigh more than you and don't make half the noise..is it really that necessary to stomp like that...does it REALLY make you feel THAT powerful and "in charge"???

I'm a daily Dooce reader...I read today that she's pregnant...It made me a little bit jealous..no..actually...alot a bit...........uh oh.

I am elated to have witnessed and participated in such a monumental election this year...it feels good to know that society is progressing...hopefully we can ALL progress to giving EVERYONE equal rights soon.

There's been a mass exodus from Myspace to Facebook...Don't ask me to explain it...must be like flying South for the winter or something.

This is me...Scott....and my mother-in-law...who is so much cooler than your mother-in-law could ever dream to be!

This is also why my wedding was seriously the best wedding EVER..I mean c'mon..did you and your mother-in-law simultaneously bite the nipple rings of your friend in bondage gear at your wedding??....I didn't think so.

wedding...wedding...wedding...still obsessing

Tayler made honor roll this past Friday for the very first time in her now 6-year school career. I am so proud of her...I am so grateful for 5mg of adderall daily.

And I should probably be on Xanax.

That's all for now.

I'd Just Like To Say....

I think that there are moments in your life that you would like to freeze...to live inside of the very moment a picture can capture forever. To dwell in the feeling..the enlightenment...the joy and the freedom those moments encapsolate. Locked into eternity. Everyday, I spend hours flipping through the pictures of the wedding..over..and over..and over...and each and every time, it never fails to bring tears to my eyes.

There were times during the week that I looked at Ross...stressed out and emotionally stretched as far as my feeble brain could go..and I said "Why didn't we take the money and elope??" ... but now... I know. Every single penny, every emotion we put into that week..was so well worth it.

I was given pieces of my family I didn't know existed...I witnessed love re-ignited...I basked in the light of love, family and friendship ...I have walked away with so much more than was ever expected...and I would do it again..over and over and over if given the chance!

Thank you to my beautiful family for being my foundation...for the rocks you are to me. Thank you to my new family and the hope and inspiration you have instilled into my very being. Jen R...thank you for our session...you will never know the peace it gave my heart and soul!.. you are an amazing teacher .. Davey..thank you for being my rock...even though I had to drag YOU down the isle..I couldn't have taken a step without your arms and your tears to lean on. Mom..you were there and there is nothing that means more to me than that...Tutu...wow..there is no way I could have possibly done any of it without you and I can't ever begin to express how truly blessed I am to have you in my life. Not many girls are lucky enough to gain as much as I have in this union.

To my friends...David R. said something so significant "you can always tell alot about a person by who they chose to have in their lives....and the people they surround themselves with...and that says alot about you." We are so blessed to have such amazing and wonderful people surrounding us. This exerience would not have been what is was without all of you...and I am so glad you chose to share it with us.

To my hubby...even though I stumbled through our vows...I meant each and every word of them. I promise to be your lover, companion, and friend, your partner in parenthood, your comrade in adventure, your student and your teacher, your accomplice in mischief, your associate in the search for enlightenment, your strength in your time of need, asking that you be no other than yourself.

I will love you...forever...and to eternity.

The Best Wedding EVER

Wow...what a ride!! There are a thousand words I could put into a blog..and a million adjectives I could use to describe the week..I would start, but then I would be stuck on this blog for the next three weeks..which would probably result in a messy annulment and a visit from child services.... Pictures say a thousand words..so I'll let the album below tell you the story. More pictures should be coming in..so keep checking back.

Photobucket Album