Somebody Give Me Some Valium!

So...I got online yesterday and started my research for the perfect, simple bridal bouquet, and I quickly realized that it wasn't as simple as saying "I want three of that flower.....wrap it up, let's go", which is the way Davina prefers to shop...obviously.....you heard about the dress drama!!

I wanted to inquire about pricing, and since I no longer use the phone as a means of communication.. I started filling out the standard on-line questionnaire, all of the sudden the little questionnaire starts asking me shit like, what style would you like, followed by a list of 5 or 6 words I had never even hear of. What the hell is a Nosegay or a Biedermeier....and seriously....a muff?? Do people outside of the flower-rapist industry truly know all of this shit?

I called my girl fried, who seems to have a good handle on all of this wedding-etiquette, tradition bull shit, and asked her "what the fuck??"...and you know what...even SHE didn't know about 19 different options of styles for bridal bouquets....on top of the 378,000 types of flowers..and then...and then...893,000 different colors you are forced to decide on!!

With all of the stupid little nick knacks, the 300 different food items, the dress, the flowers, the color co-ordinations (which I REFUSE to do), the centerpieces (which I INSISTED on making on my own....which resulted in daily trips to the craft store for 2 months), the gifts (I STILL can't decide on), the hairstyle, the photographer, the venue, the stupid wedding band, that doesn't match your ring and you don't want, but apparently HAVE to have, and the crap and more crap options out there..it's no wonder people make damn good money doing this professionally for a living....and it's no wonder people (who are not obsessive and neurotic), refuse to get married ever again, unless it involves massive amounts of alcohol, a limo with a sunroof and a drive-through chapel in Vegas!!

Not to mention, the fact that the second you mention wedding little "Cha-Ching" noises go off in their head, and the price automatically triples!

I'll take my flowers in the shape of a 9mm revolver.....so I can shoot myself in the head!!

Cat and Mouse..errrr...Lizard

Meet Cassidy..

The "genius" kitty..and I mean "genuis" in the same loving way that people look at ugly babies with pitty in their eyes and call them "sweet". Cassady is a "Hemmingway" cat, which means she has an extra thumb on her two front paws. Apparently, this extra thumb hinders her ability to be graceful, like little kitties should be. Cassidy quite often misses her target when trying to leap from one object (say..the couch).. to another (the bookshelf...only a foot and a half away) she also has a tendency to randomly fall off of perfectly flat and stable objects. We love our poor "kitty- skills" challenged kitty because she has been a tremendous source of laughter in our house. I'm pretty sure she is starting to catch on to this though, because while she used to be a lap kitty who couldn't get enough attention, she now refuses to sit on our laps or be held, and she sits and stares at us as if to say "You guys are all ass holes..and I KNOW your fucking laughing at ME!"

Enter Tonto....

Tonto somehow caught wind of this "genius" little kitty that lives in our house, and decided to make her HIS source of entertainment. Every night, between 8:12 and 8:22, Tonto shows up on our window screen. Nothing excites little Cassidy more, and at 8:00 every night, she parks herself in front of that window, and waits for him to show up.

One thing that Cassidy has never been able to grasp, is that no matter how long and how hard you paw at a window, you are not digging your way through it, but bless her soul if she doesn't try her damnedest.... All-the-while, Tonto the Tyrannical Taunter, runs from one end of the screen to the other...laughing hysterically, and I'm sure if you were on the other side of this window you would hear a munchkin voice saying "nah nana nah nah nah......you can't get me"

Meet Moon....

Well..this is moon when she was younger, but it's the only picture I have presently availble. Moon could not care less about the stupid lizard in the stupid window....She always hits her mark, she never falls over, she's far too smart to fall for the laser pointer spinning her in circles, and she looks at us as if to say "you're all fucking idiots..."

Moon is the favorite

And The Verdict Is In

You will all be happy to know that the dress and I, after countless therapy sessions, reconciled our rocky relationship today, and I am in love with her again! She even has a great little head piece to compliment her gorgeousness.















She would like me to tell you that she is so very grateful to those who have toiled and struggled endlessly to make it all possible, and she is extremely excited and anxious for her debut as she accompanies me down the isle November 1st!

My Own Little Project Runway

Tayler has always been a very creative kid, and a master creator. Much to my horror, she can cut, glue, bend, break, re-arrange and mix most anything...into something...usually involving things like her brand new bed sheets (that came in a set, that match her bedspread), or my favorite summer dress, feathers and lots of cardboard boxes...and NOTHING in this world keeps her happier and more entertained. Lately, she's taken to cutting the sleeves off of all of her long-sleeve shirts and sporting them as punk rocker arm bands complete with thumb holes, apparently she pulls most of her inspiration from Avril Lavigne, which I guess is still better than either of the Spears girls, so I'll take it.

Yesterday, most likely inspired by the latest fashion exploits of her mother, Tayler decided that her one and only goal in life was to become a world-renowned fashion designer. Being the excellent and supportive mother that I am, told her "great, you create 10 outfits, and I will call everybody I know here in St. Pete, and get you in on one of the shows"..cause we all know, with Tay's adhd, the chances that this fad will last past the third outfit are slim to none, but hey, you need to encourage your kids...right? But for now..and probably to the middle of next week, she's going to eat, sleep, and breath fashion.

Here she is modeling her first creation, that mommy had to kindly explain "was great for walking down the runway or rocking out with your friends..in the privacy of your bedroom, but NOT school, or otherwise appropriate 10 year old public apparel"

....she made the skirt....thingy....and when she first appeared wearing it, it was not accompanied by the mommy-suggested obviously required leggings.

Yes...I do realize....I am in for MUCH trouble in imminent, looming, panic inducing upcoming teenage years.

Move over Coco Chanel...Tay's on the scene!

Vogue

I am NOT a model. I do not WANT to be a model. The only characteristics I possess that even closely resemble a model are:

1: At 5'9", I'm fairly tall
2: I can walk in a straight line..in heels

Now, I'll admit, that I may have flirted with the idea of being an international super model when I was younger (like 9), but those fantasies were quickly dashed when at 17 I found myself pregnant, and thereafter stretch-marked and saggy in places where real models are smooth and perky (or mostly just flat).

Anyhow. Being that I am naturally drawn to unstable people, and unstable people tend to be artistic, I have met quite a few people in the "art industry" here in Florida. Somehow, I got caught up in doing fashion shows for local designers and artists.

I got a kick out of it at first (I am after-all an attention whore), but quickly caught on that spending up to 10 hours per show, surrounded by "like, Oh..my..god" 18 to twenty-somethings, while acting as a slave to somebody else's art...for free, just isn't my cup of tea. So I "retired", from something I was never paid to do, that in all honesty, I had no business doing in the first place.

Now that I've rambled on about that... last week, one of my very talented artist friends called me in a panic after he fired one of his models, begging me to step in. At first I tried to get out of it, and then being the sucker that I am, started to feel bad, and finally agreed to do the show. I will say though, if I am going to do any show for any artist, it would be Wearable Art walking for Frank Strunk. I actually had a really fun time. Tay and Ross came to cheer me on. Ross gave Tay the camera in order to keep her occupied, so here is me on the runway...shot by Tay.















Here I am in all my radical 80's hair and camel toe glory, in metal lingerie by Frank Strunk III...shot by Tampa Bay Muse




















In other, more interesting, weekly update news...School got off to a late start, due to the imminent threat that was the big bad hurricane Fay. That never did get to hurricane status, and didn't even come anywhere near us, but still managed to induce panic in the Florida senile masses. So school started today instead. Tay is now a 5th grader, which is ironic, because I gave birth to her, like, yesterday. Here she is...

Please ignore the dead grass in the background, as Ross and I are very environmentally conscious people, and do not water in order to save the environment. (haha)

Walk it out bitch!!

I never get invited to the really good parties.....
You have to listen to the guy in the background for the full effect..

It's Good to Have you Back where you Belong

Tayler spends the summer's in San Diego with her dad. A whole 2.5 - 3 months of sand, surf and sun. Livin the good life, spoiled rotten by grandma, uncle B and aunt M, while Ross and I, back here in Florida, enjoy our new found freedom by running around naked and aimlessly like wild banshees (I don't know what the means).
















It's nice..for a little while. Everyone needs a break (of that kit kat bar) every now and then, and it makes us appreciate each other that much more, right? Towards the end though, or last 1.5-2 months (Ok, after about two weeks), the novelty wears off, I don't know what to do with myself, and Ross and I have nobody to focus our deeply ingrained (that probably only pertains to me, as I have 10 years experience to Ross's 2) parental instinct or subconscious need to discipline, and start to turn on each other.


Example

*After I throw a pile of clothes on top of a sleeping Ross, that he left in the dryer for 2 days.....*


R: ummmm...those clothes aren't going to fold themselves.


D: No, the certainly aren't....you are.


R: naaaaa ahhhhh....I'm the man of the house, you're the woman..plus, I'm the one who had to wash them!


D: Congratulations for successfully operating the washer and dryer for the first time in the two years we have lived together..


R: Fold my clothes woman!!! (as he pounds his chest..while still laying in bed with no intentions of getting up before 9am..while I have get ready and go to work)


D: I think you're getting a little big for your britches there bucko..


R: Well..once your done folding my BRITCHES, then maybe we'll talk about it.


D: "stares" ..................................................................... you're dumb.


But..now that my baby is home. 3 inches taller and ten pounds of muscle heavier (thanks to a summer of surfing and her father's strict work-out regimen), spouting newly acquired Cali jargon, ending every sentence with "I mean, really...who DOOOES that??" Our lives can go back to normal...well...our definition of normal anyway, complete with slamming doors, accusations of "you're ruining my life!!", 5mg of adderall daily, messy bedrooms, un-emptied kitty litter boxes, loud and obnoxious friends, water from the pool tracked all through the house, and 3 hour homework sessions/fights. I'll finally be able to sleep at night.



Welcome home baby..mommy missed you!

Babies babies babies!!!!

We have a new addition to the family!

Ross's sister gave birth this past Saturday to a beautiful, healthy baby girl!! She had a natural water birth at home. I cannot even say how much I admire and respect the kind of strength that took. The first thing I did when I got to the hospital to deliver Tay....10 years ago.... was beg for drugs!! What an amazing woman she is!!


















Please give a warm welcome into this crazy world to the beautiful Melina Kai








Proud Papa!









Almost makes me want to do that again................almost.

Me Tarzan

As Ross sits in my office, chewing and smacking as loud as humanly possible on a gummy bear..which by the way, is one of my biggest pet peeves:

D: Are you serious?? You sound like god damn heard of cows...

R: Yeah, well you better shut up...or I'm going to sound like a can of whoop ass...

D: "stares" ...................................................................... you're dumb

Bow Chica Bow Wow

Ross and I took a trip out to Egmont Key this weekend. For those of you un-locals, here's a brief geography/history lesson:

"Accessible only by private boat, Egmont Key has a unique natural and cultural history, including a lighthouse that has stood since 1858. During the 19th century, the island served as a camp for captured Seminoles at the end of the Third Seminole War and was later occupied by the Union Navy during the Civil War. In 1898, as the Spanish - American War threatened, Fort Dade was built on the island and remained active until 1923."

Now it's just the creepy shells of old buildings...where I'm sure our proud American soldiers totured some poor undeserving Indians.. and then lived like beach bums...on their new "found" land.

but there were a few notable things there...Here is a short pictorial.. compliments of my camera phone, because of course we forgot the camera.

turtles...

Palm trees, a beach

an old brick road..where we wanted to find a "nice little secluded spot .. for..you know" .. but were both too hot and sweaty to put forth the effort (we walked about 3 miles in 190 degrees) .... ok .. It's was mostly me not putting forth the effort, but I seriously have fierce Ophiophobia.... Look it up... and I wasn't about to go trapsing through the brush..or exposing mine for that matter.

Notice the blurred vision due to heat stroke ...

And my cute little gangsta man...

All and all it was kiiiind of interesting...but maybe not $30 worth of interesting ... the highlight of the day being the "True Floridian" boat captain who spent 45 minutes chasing down dolphins and trying to run them over for everyone's viewing pleasure.