The Best Wedding EVER

Wow...what a ride!! There are a thousand words I could put into a blog..and a million adjectives I could use to describe the week..I would start, but then I would be stuck on this blog for the next three weeks..which would probably result in a messy annulment and a visit from child services.... Pictures say a thousand words..so I'll let the album below tell you the story. More pictures should be coming in..so keep checking back.

Photobucket Album

Next Time...Leave It To The Professionals

And now..another act of sheer genius..brought to you by D-licious.

Background: I am possibly the most stubborn person on the planet..wait, no..that's my mom, but I come a very very close second. When I decide I'm going to do something, then by god..I will not STOP until I am done, and I will do it better than anyone else.

So, in an effort to keep the wedding budget to a minimum, I brilliantly decided that it would be a good idea, to go ahead and attempt to wax...at home..by myself....with no help...and a $10 waxing kit.

Three and a half hours, twenty six thousand eight hundred and ninety six cuss words, fifty two strips, four thousand and one grunts and yanks, and a full jar of wax later...my armpits and my bikini line (which are still not completely hairless)...look like they have been thoroughly scrubbed with industrial strength sand paper. And to top it all off, I can't put my arms down now without screaming out in pain and tears welling up in my eyes...and I had to wear my softest pair of granny panties to work.

Thank you....D-licious....fucking...genius.

Get That Bitch Off The Stage!!

All right...it's been a while..I knooooooow!! So here's a little glimpse into the life and times of D-licious this past month.


My company tanked last month leaving me jobless and two paychecks down 4 weeks before my VERY expensive and not quite paid for wedding. So..I panicked..took a deep breath..panicked..panicked some more..sent out my resume..panicked....and 8 interviews and three weeks later..I got a new job...In a meat locker..where I sit in a chair... in front of a computer all day....and FREEZE...with my co-workers who are all apparently polar bears. I find I have to be very cautious with my hands lest my fingers..which are now icicles...should shatter into tiny little pieces. And that's that. Better opportunities are on the horizon, but this will have to do...for now.
















My totally AWESOME sister and friends threw Ross and I a wedding shower and subsequent separate bachelor and bachelorette parties...
complete with party bus and a giant blow-up penis!

















Our first stop of the night was a gay club, where my sister...being "the sister" that she is...thought it would be cute to make me get up on stage and dance...by myself...in front of a large group a lesbian women, fully adorned in blow penis and "bride to be" paraphernalia.

















Now...apparently...gay women... are not such big fans of the penis... and while I usually find myself warmly embraced by the gay community...my reception was not well received....to say the least. As I stood on that stage and awkwardly gyrated my hips..doing my most very best to be sexy....I could not recall a moment in my life when I have ever felt so humiliated....(wait...maybe that one time)...oh .. Nope..NEVER. If daggers could be flung from eye balls, I would not be here today to tell this horrid tale folks...and that little plastic penis you see dangling in the picture (may he rest in peace)...COMPLETELY annihilated by one angry chick's teeth......so maybe that was the whole point..the whole "let's humiliate the dumb bride" thing..I get it...but no...THAT WAS NOT GOOD!!!

The rest of the night was followed by getting kicked out of a club because one of our party was so trashed, she kept falling over...someone cried...someone threw up on the party bus...someone got left in the strip club...we met up with the guys...and ended the night in my most favorite spot..The Castle...and I made out with the hottest man alive!!!! All in all...a great night...except maybe the whole angry lesbians part.















So here we are...one week from today we take off for Key West...In exactly 11 days I will Mrs. El-Dangerosso. I'm losing my mind with excitement. I thought I would be little more freaked out and nervous about the whole thing..but I guess when it's right..and you know it...the are no reservations.

So stay tuned..because the wedding details are likely to be VERY juicy!!!!!

Somebody Give Me Some Valium!

So...I got online yesterday and started my research for the perfect, simple bridal bouquet, and I quickly realized that it wasn't as simple as saying "I want three of that flower.....wrap it up, let's go", which is the way Davina prefers to shop...obviously.....you heard about the dress drama!!

I wanted to inquire about pricing, and since I no longer use the phone as a means of communication.. I started filling out the standard on-line questionnaire, all of the sudden the little questionnaire starts asking me shit like, what style would you like, followed by a list of 5 or 6 words I had never even hear of. What the hell is a Nosegay or a Biedermeier....and seriously....a muff?? Do people outside of the flower-rapist industry truly know all of this shit?

I called my girl fried, who seems to have a good handle on all of this wedding-etiquette, tradition bull shit, and asked her "what the fuck??"...and you know what...even SHE didn't know about 19 different options of styles for bridal bouquets....on top of the 378,000 types of flowers..and then...and then...893,000 different colors you are forced to decide on!!

With all of the stupid little nick knacks, the 300 different food items, the dress, the flowers, the color co-ordinations (which I REFUSE to do), the centerpieces (which I INSISTED on making on my own....which resulted in daily trips to the craft store for 2 months), the gifts (I STILL can't decide on), the hairstyle, the photographer, the venue, the stupid wedding band, that doesn't match your ring and you don't want, but apparently HAVE to have, and the crap and more crap options out there..it's no wonder people make damn good money doing this professionally for a living....and it's no wonder people (who are not obsessive and neurotic), refuse to get married ever again, unless it involves massive amounts of alcohol, a limo with a sunroof and a drive-through chapel in Vegas!!

Not to mention, the fact that the second you mention wedding little "Cha-Ching" noises go off in their head, and the price automatically triples!

I'll take my flowers in the shape of a 9mm revolver.....so I can shoot myself in the head!!

And The Verdict Is In

You will all be happy to know that the dress and I, after countless therapy sessions, reconciled our rocky relationship today, and I am in love with her again! She even has a great little head piece to compliment her gorgeousness.















She would like me to tell you that she is so very grateful to those who have toiled and struggled endlessly to make it all possible, and she is extremely excited and anxious for her debut as she accompanies me down the isle November 1st!

The most perfect wedding dress...cancel the dove ceremony

So..me being the brilliant absolute genius that I am..decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and find the most perfect wedding dress...on the Internet.


After months of browsing the web, I came upon .. the most perfect wedding dress. I found a local shop, that did not actually carry the dress..but could order it for me and would include alterations for the same price I would pay by ordering it myself.


Now... most "brides to be" want to make absolutely sure that they have the most perfect wedding dress, on what is the most special day of their lives..right? So what do they do?? They drag their posse to 15 different dress shops and try on 3000 dresses until they put that one on..you know the one.... that just "takes your breath away".. But not me .. being the genius that I am...I go ahead and order this dress, sight unseen..without even trying on a single other dress.


My dress arrives and I go in for my first fitting, and the dress is gorgeous...on the freaken model on the freaken website...but on me...not so much.


Now...I have lived with the effects that gravity and child birth have had on my boobs for over ten years now. I am WELL aware that I cannot pull off anything that does not allow me to wear ample support, so don't ask me why I thought it would be ok to chose a strapless dress with a low back that did NOT allow the use or provide any type of support for my gravity challenged boobs. Those boobies are going down, and by god, they are taking that dress with them!!


The cute little laddies pull and prod and pin the crap out of the dress and assure me that once they take this in here and that in there and move that down there and adjust this here...the dress will stay where it should.


The next two weeks are spent having recurring nightmares of getting my wedding pictures back like this...
















just replace the doves with some of my "vicious" dance moves.


I went in for my second fitting this past Saturday, armed with my most outspoken, honest and picky friend. After 15 minutes of not being able to fit the dress over my hips, or over my head..we call for assistance..5 min later after much wriggling and much sucking in..we manage to get it on and zipped up. Now that it's tight enough to cut off all circulation from the chest down..you would think it would win the battle with the boobs and stay in freaken place...but no. Nope..


Boobs 2
Dress a big fat freaken 0.


The result...the dress will now have straps, and is being taken in another inch. I'm desperately hoping that I fall in love with it during my 3rd fitting..because right now...I'm freaking out!!

Stay tuned...