Ho HO Ho!!!!

Moon would like to wish everyone Happy Holidays..she has been growing a beard all year in anticipation of being extra festive this holiday season. Moon is camera shy and obviously snuck of some of Ross's holiday "cheer" before her big holiday photo shoot. .. she would also like to add..... "Dear Santa, please rescue me from these ass holes who think I am here for their own amusement and drunken entertainment"














Cassady would also like to wish you all Happy Holidays...she too wanted to add a special comment ... but it was too crass and obscene to share.

A year in review

And Now...I would like to bore you with one of those endless and pointless surveys about my life in 2008...

Where​ did you begin​ 2008?​
At Jen & Tony's party .... throwing my engagement ring and screaming at Ross all night. Probably to be repeated this year, but now I have a wedding band to add to the damage...Ross has been practicing his stealth dodging maneuvers in anticipation.

What was your statu​s by Valen​tine'​s Day?
Hopelessly in love

Were you in schoo​l?​
No..but I eat sleep and breathe school through Tayler, who I am sure is so much more demanding in that department than any other kid in history..and if I have a stroke or die from an anneurism it is sure to stem from one of the many many "Homework incidents.."

Did you have to go to the hospi​tal?​
No..thank god. *knock on wood* I spent more time with the doctors this year between me and Tayler, than the rest of my life time combined though.

Did you have any encou​nters​ with the polic​e?​
I was pulled over because Ross didn't re-new his registration when he was supposed to..I drove right through a red light in front of a cop like an idiot because I was dazed out on cold medication...seriously people...stay off the roads when you're sick!..most of you just need to stay off the roads..period. * No tickets were issued..because I'm soooo cute.

Where​ did you go on vacat​ion?​
Key West













What did you purch​ase that was over $​500?​
A wedding

Did you know anybo​dy who got marri​ed?​
This was the year of weddings...but most importantly ... Ross tied the knot...didn't think that would ever happen.














Did you know anybo​dy who passe​d away?​
My grandpa

Did you move anywh​ere?​
Still happy at home

What sport​ing event​s did you atten​d?​
Ross dragged me to my first Bucs game...I hate football!

What conce​rts/​shows​ did you go to?
Lots o them..some of my favorites: Big Head Todd and the Monsters. Bruce Springsteen. The Cure. There are others, but they seem to be lost in a drunken haze...

Where​ do you live now?
St. Pete, Florida

Descr​ibe your birth​day:​
I can't even remember...I can promise you it involved alcohol..probably why I don't remember...I'm starting to see a very disconcerting pattern here...

What'​s the one thing​ you thoug​ht you would​ never​ do but did in 2008?​
Get Married

What has/​have been your favor​ite momen​t?​
The best wedding EVER!!

What'​s somet​hing you learn​ed about​ yours​elf?​
Married life surprisingly suits me!

Any new addit​ions to your famil​y?​
I have a new niece..and we got a new kitty this year


















What music​ will you remem​ber 2008 by?
Anything by Ray Lamontagne...and Sweat Pea by Amos Lee

















Who has been your best drink​ing buddy​?​
Rossy...and Emelie comes a close second

Made new frien​ds?​
I finally met the people who have all the dirt on Ross this year...I'm sercretly gathering black mail..I'm sure it will be useful leverage one day.

Favor​ite night​ out?
The Key West Halloween Scavenger Hunt we put together...and everyone loved...and some can't remember.















What would​ you chang​e about​ 2008?​
my career ... I'm pretty sure I was destined to sit at home and blog all day ... or sit at home and do nothing ... I'm trying to convince Ross to let me follow my destiny..he doesn't think I'm THAT cute!

Other​ than home,​ where​ did you spend​ most of your time?​
where I didn't want to be

Have any life chang​es in 2008?​
Ummm..married!

Chang​e your hairs​tyle?​
I grew my hair out for the wedding. It was definately an accomplishement..I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to pull a Britney.

Get a new job?
Yes..ehhhh

How old did you turn this year?​
2 to the 8

Do you have a New Year'​s resol​ution​?​
I don't do resolutions...I have some good plans for next year though. They will involve a top hat..tap shoes..spandex..three candy canes..and a midget.

Did anyth​ing embar​rassi​ng happen?​
Not particularly ... That I can remember (what is that voice in my head saying..danger Will Robinson..Danger???).. have you seen Ross dance though..THAT's embarrassing..haha..kidding baby...love you!!


















Buy anyth​ing new from eBay?​
I'm pretty sure I got our sand ceremony kit on eBay..but I bought so much crap on-line this year..who knows??















What was/​were your favor​ite purch​ase(​s)​?​
Our big fat expensive wedding..that we are still paying for..and will keep paying for...for the rest of eternity...why didn't we take the money and run, again???

Get marri​ed or divor​ced?​
uhhhhh....

Get arres​ted?​
No thank you

Be hones​t - did you watch​ Ameri​can Idol?​
Not a chance!

Did you get sick this year?​
I've had a few colds..and allergies...and now I have asthma...and there's been the occasional hangover..ok...weekly hangover...(Danger Will Robinson..Danger!! Time to get healthy???)

Start​ a new hobby​?​
Tayler started playing soccer..I get to adopt her hobbies. I'm getting REALLY good at annoying Ross...I practice every night.

Been snowb​oardi​ng?​
ewww ...I went skiing last Christmas in Utah for the second time in my life (Note: I grew up in Utah..best snow on earth..HAAATE it!) .. You can probably add that experience to my most embarassing moment.

Are you happy​ to see 2008 go?
Sure...just means better things are around the corner...Can't wait to see what 09 brings...so many possibilities. I love change!

Drank​ Starb​ucks in 2008?​
It's a Saturday morning soccer game ritual now.

Been naugh​ty or nice?​
a little bit naughty...a little bit nice. ; )

What are you wishi​ng for in 2009?​
Italy..and maybe some procreation...shhhhhh!




Cheers!!!

Why Smart Women Carry Purses

Ok..so this past Friday we went out to celebrate a friend's birthday.

As I normally do, because I refuse to lug a purse around a club...and I HATE having things in my pockets...mostly because there isn't any room in the pockets of my PAINTED ON jeans...because A: that's how they make the majority of women's jeans and B: because my fat ass doesn't fit into anything in my closet now that I am "nesting" or whatever you want to call it (sitting on my ass all day eating shit and gaining weight like no body's business) ... that's right...it's none of your business how much I've gained.

Anyway, back to the story....I gave all of my necessities to Ross to carry around in his pockets (because men always have plenty of room in THEIR jeans...wtf??).

That day, I had purchased this:

My new most favorite thing in the world.

As I handed it to him...I warned that he was to guard it with his life...only letting it out of his sight when I requested it...warning him that his happiness and well being depended on my ownership of this very chap stick.

5 to 12 drinks later...we're wandering around the block in circles trying to find our car and I ask for my precious Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine. Ross searches all of his pockets..and surprise surprise...NO FUCKING Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine!!

I spent the entire car ride home asking in 2 minute intervals..."where is my fucking chap stick??" ... "where is it??" (yes, I know...poor Ross really does put up with that crap...I'm surprised too.)..I also spent the next two days asking "where is my fucking chap stick??"

So...blah blah blah...it's Wednesday, and I had to make a trip to Target, which just so happens to be next to Bath & Body Works..so I run in and purchase another $5 Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine....and tell Ross he's going to have to make it up to me in some form of favor/chore that I will be sure he will NOT enjoy.... later that night..we're at the local Cider House having a drink with a friend and she turns to me and says...

E: "Oh..hey..here's your chap stick back."

D: (eyes bulging out of her head in astonishment and terror) "WTF...how did you get my chap stick??"

E: "You gave it to me at the club and told me to guard it with my life or you would make me miserable forever."

Ross: "Oh...you are so going to pay for this...I think you owe me a PUBLIC apology"

So...here it is...

Baby, I'm sorry I made your life a living hell for three days because you lost my Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine, when in fact, you did not lose my Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine. You are amazing and I suck.

The End

Because Who Doesn't Love a Sexy & Witty Serial Killer???

One item on my very long, very involved list of self-indulgences would include this show:

If you have not seen it. What the hell is wrong with you? If you have seen it...holy shit...is this not the BEST season EVER!!!!

Ross and I watch it religiously every Sunday...and if Ross happens to be out of town..I am FORBID to even THINK about glancing at it with out him present. For one, he gets very very jealous any time I get to indulge in something he has to abstain from, and two, he knows he'll have to listen to me gloat about said indulgence and my threats to spoil the plot entirely should he upset me in anyway.

If you have showtime, it's not too late! They run all of their episodes on Show-on-demand...go now...hurry...You'll LOOOOOVE it...I promise!!

Please tell me you did NOT go out in that??? The Ho-Down Show-Down

So..Tayler's school had a "Ho-down" last night for the 4th and 5th graders. My best friend's son goes to school with her and we thought it would be fun to get together for dinner while the kids are at this...Ho-down thing. Actually, she offered to make me dinner...and when would I EVER pass up the opportunity to sit on my ass and drink wine while some else slaves away at the stove??

Two glasses of wine later the kids are yelling from the door that they were leaving to walk the three blocks to the school....we waved them off cheerfully from the kitchen..out of sight from the front door....and poured another glass of wine.

Two hours and one drunk D-licious later (yes, I know it was Thursday night..but c'mon..that's only one day away from Friday..I like my pre-weekend celebrations)...Ross goes to pick them up....I'm sitting on the couch when my daughter comes sauntering in the house...in a spaghetti strap dress-thing that I am pretty sure is really supposed to be a shirt...and patent leather shoes with little heels. I...was....MORTIFIED....seriously MORTIFIED. The only consolation was that she was in-fact smart enough to put shorts on under this atrocity that she for some reason considered appropriate to not only wear out in public...but to a SCHOOL function none-the-less.

We made a feeble attempt at the "modesty talk" where she of course played dumb..(because she is so smart)...claiming that "yea, but I'm wearing shorts underneath" ... 45 minutes of arguing later... I'm pretty sure she now understands the definition of the word modesty, but she by no means has any intentions of implementing it into her wardrobe choices. So naturally we threatened to put her in a habit...permanently...if she EVER tries to walk out the door like that again.

AND now I get to be "THAT parent"...yep...the one who's child they look at with pity because her mom is obviously "absent" in the parental control category...and as an added benefit, I get the knowledge that she isn't even close to her teen years..and it's starting already. Lord....help....me!

What have we learned here today??.... Put the wine down...and pay attention to your freaking kid when she walks out the damn door.

A Few of My Most Random Thoughts Today

Dear girl down the hall...you sound like an elephant when you walk..seriously..the men weigh more than you and don't make half the noise..is it really that necessary to stomp like that...does it REALLY make you feel THAT powerful and "in charge"???

I'm a daily Dooce reader...I read today that she's pregnant...It made me a little bit jealous..no..actually...alot a bit...........uh oh.

I am elated to have witnessed and participated in such a monumental election this year...it feels good to know that society is progressing...hopefully we can ALL progress to giving EVERYONE equal rights soon.

There's been a mass exodus from Myspace to Facebook...Don't ask me to explain it...must be like flying South for the winter or something.

This is me...Scott....and my mother-in-law...who is so much cooler than your mother-in-law could ever dream to be!

This is also why my wedding was seriously the best wedding EVER..I mean c'mon..did you and your mother-in-law simultaneously bite the nipple rings of your friend in bondage gear at your wedding??....I didn't think so.

wedding...wedding...wedding...still obsessing

Tayler made honor roll this past Friday for the very first time in her now 6-year school career. I am so proud of her...I am so grateful for 5mg of adderall daily.

And I should probably be on Xanax.

That's all for now.

I'd Just Like To Say....

I think that there are moments in your life that you would like to freeze...to live inside of the very moment a picture can capture forever. To dwell in the feeling..the enlightenment...the joy and the freedom those moments encapsolate. Locked into eternity. Everyday, I spend hours flipping through the pictures of the wedding..over..and over..and over...and each and every time, it never fails to bring tears to my eyes.

There were times during the week that I looked at Ross...stressed out and emotionally stretched as far as my feeble brain could go..and I said "Why didn't we take the money and elope??" ... but now... I know. Every single penny, every emotion we put into that week..was so well worth it.

I was given pieces of my family I didn't know existed...I witnessed love re-ignited...I basked in the light of love, family and friendship ...I have walked away with so much more than was ever expected...and I would do it again..over and over and over if given the chance!

Thank you to my beautiful family for being my foundation...for the rocks you are to me. Thank you to my new family and the hope and inspiration you have instilled into my very being. Jen R...thank you for our session...you will never know the peace it gave my heart and soul!.. you are an amazing teacher .. Davey..thank you for being my rock...even though I had to drag YOU down the isle..I couldn't have taken a step without your arms and your tears to lean on. Mom..you were there and there is nothing that means more to me than that...Tutu...wow..there is no way I could have possibly done any of it without you and I can't ever begin to express how truly blessed I am to have you in my life. Not many girls are lucky enough to gain as much as I have in this union.

To my friends...David R. said something so significant "you can always tell alot about a person by who they chose to have in their lives....and the people they surround themselves with...and that says alot about you." We are so blessed to have such amazing and wonderful people surrounding us. This exerience would not have been what is was without all of you...and I am so glad you chose to share it with us.

To my hubby...even though I stumbled through our vows...I meant each and every word of them. I promise to be your lover, companion, and friend, your partner in parenthood, your comrade in adventure, your student and your teacher, your accomplice in mischief, your associate in the search for enlightenment, your strength in your time of need, asking that you be no other than yourself.

I will love you...forever...and to eternity.

The Best Wedding EVER

Wow...what a ride!! There are a thousand words I could put into a blog..and a million adjectives I could use to describe the week..I would start, but then I would be stuck on this blog for the next three weeks..which would probably result in a messy annulment and a visit from child services.... Pictures say a thousand words..so I'll let the album below tell you the story. More pictures should be coming in..so keep checking back.

Photobucket Album

Next Time...Leave It To The Professionals

And now..another act of sheer genius..brought to you by D-licious.

Background: I am possibly the most stubborn person on the planet..wait, no..that's my mom, but I come a very very close second. When I decide I'm going to do something, then by god..I will not STOP until I am done, and I will do it better than anyone else.

So, in an effort to keep the wedding budget to a minimum, I brilliantly decided that it would be a good idea, to go ahead and attempt to wax...at home..by myself....with no help...and a $10 waxing kit.

Three and a half hours, twenty six thousand eight hundred and ninety six cuss words, fifty two strips, four thousand and one grunts and yanks, and a full jar of wax later...my armpits and my bikini line (which are still not completely hairless)...look like they have been thoroughly scrubbed with industrial strength sand paper. And to top it all off, I can't put my arms down now without screaming out in pain and tears welling up in my eyes...and I had to wear my softest pair of granny panties to work.

Thank you....D-licious....fucking...genius.

The Hip-Hop Hater Club

D-licious has always been a hip-hop hater. Hate the rap..hate the hip hop..hate most pop..Ok.. I'll admit that I'm some-what of a music snob. Ross likes to put it this way.."If you have heard of them, then D-dicious doesn't like them". If it's mainstream...I'm likely to turn my nose up at it, as snobs are prone to do.

So you will imagine my surprise when our local public radio station (because mainstream hater refuses to listen to any other radio station) played a hip-hop song..and I completely fell in love with it!!! I RAN from my car, through the front door, straight to the computer and pulled them up on MySpace. Directly after filling my ears with this delicious new spin on the genre, whilst bouncing around in my chair, waving my arms above my head all white girl gangsta-ish...I bought their album on iTunes...and now I'm hooked. I've been playing it in my car non-stop..I'm the retard in the car next to you bobbing her head up and down and smiling like an idiot.

I'm feeling somewhat generous today, so I thought I would share them with all of you so you can fall in love with them too!! This isn't the song that made me love them, but youtube didn't have it...so click here for their MySpace page and listen to Miss Cindy.



Now THAT is the kind of jam a white girl can really groove to. And the penguin-walk dead arm swing...I'm totally stealing that move.

Get That Bitch Off The Stage!!

All right...it's been a while..I knooooooow!! So here's a little glimpse into the life and times of D-licious this past month.


My company tanked last month leaving me jobless and two paychecks down 4 weeks before my VERY expensive and not quite paid for wedding. So..I panicked..took a deep breath..panicked..panicked some more..sent out my resume..panicked....and 8 interviews and three weeks later..I got a new job...In a meat locker..where I sit in a chair... in front of a computer all day....and FREEZE...with my co-workers who are all apparently polar bears. I find I have to be very cautious with my hands lest my fingers..which are now icicles...should shatter into tiny little pieces. And that's that. Better opportunities are on the horizon, but this will have to do...for now.
















My totally AWESOME sister and friends threw Ross and I a wedding shower and subsequent separate bachelor and bachelorette parties...
complete with party bus and a giant blow-up penis!

















Our first stop of the night was a gay club, where my sister...being "the sister" that she is...thought it would be cute to make me get up on stage and dance...by myself...in front of a large group a lesbian women, fully adorned in blow penis and "bride to be" paraphernalia.

















Now...apparently...gay women... are not such big fans of the penis... and while I usually find myself warmly embraced by the gay community...my reception was not well received....to say the least. As I stood on that stage and awkwardly gyrated my hips..doing my most very best to be sexy....I could not recall a moment in my life when I have ever felt so humiliated....(wait...maybe that one time)...oh .. Nope..NEVER. If daggers could be flung from eye balls, I would not be here today to tell this horrid tale folks...and that little plastic penis you see dangling in the picture (may he rest in peace)...COMPLETELY annihilated by one angry chick's teeth......so maybe that was the whole point..the whole "let's humiliate the dumb bride" thing..I get it...but no...THAT WAS NOT GOOD!!!

The rest of the night was followed by getting kicked out of a club because one of our party was so trashed, she kept falling over...someone cried...someone threw up on the party bus...someone got left in the strip club...we met up with the guys...and ended the night in my most favorite spot..The Castle...and I made out with the hottest man alive!!!! All in all...a great night...except maybe the whole angry lesbians part.















So here we are...one week from today we take off for Key West...In exactly 11 days I will Mrs. El-Dangerosso. I'm losing my mind with excitement. I thought I would be little more freaked out and nervous about the whole thing..but I guess when it's right..and you know it...the are no reservations.

So stay tuned..because the wedding details are likely to be VERY juicy!!!!!

5 hours and 1 Tayler later....

So...I told Tayler to clean her room. The usual 6 hours goes by, and she finally reappears claiming that "I'm done!! It's so awesome...come look!!" ... and this is what I see.....

Pictured here is Tayler...and her idea of "cleaning her room."

What you see here is her 5'wide 1.5' deep metal and glass shelving unit, shoved into her 5' wide 2' deep closet, which she proudly refers to as "her store!!"

How, you ask, did she manage to fanagle and shove this shelving unit into her closet? .. this my friends, like many many of the 3 million things Tayler will do in order to keep from doing what she is currently SUPPOSED to be doing, is still a mystery.

Happy Birthday Baby

Today baby...you turn..old..very old..much much older than me. Although you don't look it, and you most certainly don't act it..You are a whole decade older than me (hence the requirement for life insurance as part of our "marriage agreement"), and yes, I do plan on rubbing that in..for the rest of our lives!!

You are the most amazing man I have ever known. Yes...even though you NEVER put the toilet seat down, you couldn't put a new toilet paper roll on to save your life, you leave those fucking hangers EVERYWHERE, and you drape your wet towels on the bed, and sometimes I make you scream "Is there ANYTHING...ANYTHING that I can do right??" .. and I scream to myself " NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!"...but only glare at you in response.... I STILL cannot and will NOT imagine my life without you.

And even though I may not say it out loud... every day, I say to myself.."How the hell did I get so lucky?"

You are my soul mate, my best friend, my greatest lover, my laughter, my passion, my heartbeat, my hope, my desire, my sanity, my everything.
















Happy Birthday Baby...36 days left for you to run...run FAST....before your legally bound, and I have every right to duck tape your arms and legs and stuff you deep into the closet with a gag, where you will never ever be able to get away.

I love you

D-licious

Business Time

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Dear Passengers

Dear Passengers on Airplanes,

Please take a hint when the person next to you with the blood-shot baggy eyes, that has been flying for the past 8 hours, running from terminal to terminal desperately trying to catch their flight, puts on their earphones, turns the volume ALL the way up, puts their seat back, and closes their eyes. THIS is a sign that the poor exhausted person next to you does NOT want to have an hour and a half conversation about retirement planning through modern portfolio theory. Although you are kind enough, the person next to you just wants ONE FREAKING MINUTE OF QUIET, so don't talk to her...or yourself for the ENTIRE DURATION of the god damn flight!!

Please do not bring you tattered and torn stuffed pet monkey onto an airplane, you are a grown woman at least in your forties (if not, I apologize...MAYBE you could pass for late late thirties, but that's cuttin it pretty close) .. It is also NOT necessary to explain to the public that it is in fact the very first Valentine's present EVER given to you....last year. There is probably a reason for that, and you should keep it to yourself, and leave the stuffed animal at home...maybe with a two year old, where it would be better suited.

Please remember to bring head phones. I don't give a shit how small your ears are, and how much they hurt you. WE do not want to have to sit and listen to hours of "Oh..no you di..innnt"... not all of us enjoy your taste in comedy...and not all of us want to listen to Kenny G for two mother f*ing hours. I don't make you sit on a 4 hour flight and listen to my crap...why in HELL do you find it acceptable to make EVERYONE on the plane listen to yours?.. please take a minute to contemplate the horror that flight would have been, were everyone to be as inconsiderate as you!

Please DO NOT talk animatedly with the psycho lady two seats over, when the person in the middle is trying to sleep. Please DO NOT pass pictures back and forth over the person in the middle seat, who is trying to sleep. Please DO NOT elbow the person next to you as you dig for the afore mentioned pictures in your bag. Please, dear god please....sit still and SHUT UP!!!

And last, Airplane Passengers, Young children do not typically enjoy flying on airplanes. They do not know how to pop their ears and it can be an extremely painful experience for them. These are circumstances when it is perfectly acceptable, and should be required to drug your freaking child. NyQuil works wonders. Three and a half hours of screaming is not fun for you, and is not fun for the rest of the airplane either. Next time you drag your kid on a plane, be prepared, be kind, knock her out. We won't judge you, in fact we'll praise you.

Thank you,

I'm so damn tired, and want nothing more than to just close my eyes and sleep through this flight, but can't....because you're obnoxious...D-licious

Good Bye Grandpa

My Grandpa passed away on Saturday. I had an opportunity to go and see him when I was home this past Christmas, and I chose instead to what..?? I think I saw a movie, or something equally as insignificant and stupid. Passing on what would have been my last opportunity to see him, will go down as my biggest disappointment this century. I was even fairly warned that "this may be your last chance to see him" .. but I didn't pay heed, and now I definately regret it. Don't ever pass up an opportunity to spend time with a loved one..you never know when it's the last.

My grandpa was the most fascinating and mysterious person in the world to me. Every time we went to visit him, I would marvel at his latest artistic endeavor. My grandpa was always creating. He painted, he designed buildings, he carved 3' high chess pieces from wood and intricate walking staffs, he built waterfalls in his back yard, he wrote poetry..and the list goes on. Since I myself have never wanted anything more in life, than to possess some great artist talent, I idolized my grandpa because he seemed to possess them all. My grandpa smoked cigars when I was really young, and although he quit years ago, I still think about him every time I smell one, and it's strangely uplifting and comforting.

Every year, without fail, he would send a birthday card. I moved around alot, so I was always amazed that he always tracked down my current address. He would send his latest poem inside the standard card with the "raggedy ann" painting he had done years and years ago on the front.
I kept them all in my photo album. I wanted to share one of them.

MY SONG TO YOU

When the first stars were flung into space I was there.
When the sun dies and devours the earth and the planets, I'll still be aware.
There is a nobility and goodness to all men and all women.
There is a purpose to life and that is to gain knowledge and understanding of self and others.
Love is the most important and powerful part of life.
To love and be loved is the greatest joy of all.
Man is that he might have joy and happiness.
The pain and suffering we may endure is life's way of guiding us to truth and understanding.
There is a radiance and glory to life that is available to all.
We have only to ask and it is ours.
I live. You live.
I am, therefore I shall always be that I am.
And the glory and goodness of life is ours to share forever.


Rest in peace grandpa. You were always such and tremendous inspiration to me. I love you and I'll miss you.

That Whole Bristol Situation..My Two Cents

Ok..here goes...this is my rant.

I grew up in a very right-wing, Republican and Mormon home. I was taught that if you have sex before you are married you get a one-way ticket straight to hell, you do not pass go, you do not collect $200. I was NOT taught anything about birth control, about choices, or even what the very act of sex was...I never got the sex talk..other than, "don't do it or you're damned".. and there certainly was NOT an open line of communication regarding anything of a sexual nature with any of the adults in my life.

I was pregnant at 17 too.

An while, I certainly cannot and do not blame my parents for the stupid actions I took ... it's obvious that...

Teaching abstinence does NOT WORK!

Ignorance does not keep our children, or the rest of the population from harm, in fact, it increases the chances of people doing something stupid or making ill-informed or careless decisions.

Right winged philosophy has and will continue to encourage ignorance..and that folks, is why our country is where it is today.

VOTE OBAMA!!!!!

"After Sex" talk...

R: What are you thinking about baby?

D: Ummm..I'm contemplating matter.

Silence

D: *sigh* what are YOU thinking about baby? (thinking maybe he had something profoundly romantic to say)

R: Oh, just electrons.

D: Electrons are part of matter.

R: And neutrons.

D: Neutrons are part of matter.

R: Yeah, but I'm still a deeper thinker.

D: How do you figure? I'm thinking about matter which covers a much broader spectrum than just electrons and neutrons, so I would have to say, that I am a much deeper thinker.

R: Nuh uh, I get right down into the core of the matter.

D: So you're really thinking about nuclei than.

R: Ahhhhh yea, nucleus.

D: ..................................................................You're dumb.

(Yes, we truley are THAT dorky)

Somebody Give Me Some Valium!

So...I got online yesterday and started my research for the perfect, simple bridal bouquet, and I quickly realized that it wasn't as simple as saying "I want three of that flower.....wrap it up, let's go", which is the way Davina prefers to shop...obviously.....you heard about the dress drama!!

I wanted to inquire about pricing, and since I no longer use the phone as a means of communication.. I started filling out the standard on-line questionnaire, all of the sudden the little questionnaire starts asking me shit like, what style would you like, followed by a list of 5 or 6 words I had never even hear of. What the hell is a Nosegay or a Biedermeier....and seriously....a muff?? Do people outside of the flower-rapist industry truly know all of this shit?

I called my girl fried, who seems to have a good handle on all of this wedding-etiquette, tradition bull shit, and asked her "what the fuck??"...and you know what...even SHE didn't know about 19 different options of styles for bridal bouquets....on top of the 378,000 types of flowers..and then...and then...893,000 different colors you are forced to decide on!!

With all of the stupid little nick knacks, the 300 different food items, the dress, the flowers, the color co-ordinations (which I REFUSE to do), the centerpieces (which I INSISTED on making on my own....which resulted in daily trips to the craft store for 2 months), the gifts (I STILL can't decide on), the hairstyle, the photographer, the venue, the stupid wedding band, that doesn't match your ring and you don't want, but apparently HAVE to have, and the crap and more crap options out there..it's no wonder people make damn good money doing this professionally for a living....and it's no wonder people (who are not obsessive and neurotic), refuse to get married ever again, unless it involves massive amounts of alcohol, a limo with a sunroof and a drive-through chapel in Vegas!!

Not to mention, the fact that the second you mention wedding little "Cha-Ching" noises go off in their head, and the price automatically triples!

I'll take my flowers in the shape of a 9mm revolver.....so I can shoot myself in the head!!

Cat and Mouse..errrr...Lizard

Meet Cassidy..

The "genius" kitty..and I mean "genuis" in the same loving way that people look at ugly babies with pitty in their eyes and call them "sweet". Cassady is a "Hemmingway" cat, which means she has an extra thumb on her two front paws. Apparently, this extra thumb hinders her ability to be graceful, like little kitties should be. Cassidy quite often misses her target when trying to leap from one object (say..the couch).. to another (the bookshelf...only a foot and a half away) she also has a tendency to randomly fall off of perfectly flat and stable objects. We love our poor "kitty- skills" challenged kitty because she has been a tremendous source of laughter in our house. I'm pretty sure she is starting to catch on to this though, because while she used to be a lap kitty who couldn't get enough attention, she now refuses to sit on our laps or be held, and she sits and stares at us as if to say "You guys are all ass holes..and I KNOW your fucking laughing at ME!"

Enter Tonto....

Tonto somehow caught wind of this "genius" little kitty that lives in our house, and decided to make her HIS source of entertainment. Every night, between 8:12 and 8:22, Tonto shows up on our window screen. Nothing excites little Cassidy more, and at 8:00 every night, she parks herself in front of that window, and waits for him to show up.

One thing that Cassidy has never been able to grasp, is that no matter how long and how hard you paw at a window, you are not digging your way through it, but bless her soul if she doesn't try her damnedest.... All-the-while, Tonto the Tyrannical Taunter, runs from one end of the screen to the other...laughing hysterically, and I'm sure if you were on the other side of this window you would hear a munchkin voice saying "nah nana nah nah nah......you can't get me"

Meet Moon....

Well..this is moon when she was younger, but it's the only picture I have presently availble. Moon could not care less about the stupid lizard in the stupid window....She always hits her mark, she never falls over, she's far too smart to fall for the laser pointer spinning her in circles, and she looks at us as if to say "you're all fucking idiots..."

Moon is the favorite

And The Verdict Is In

You will all be happy to know that the dress and I, after countless therapy sessions, reconciled our rocky relationship today, and I am in love with her again! She even has a great little head piece to compliment her gorgeousness.















She would like me to tell you that she is so very grateful to those who have toiled and struggled endlessly to make it all possible, and she is extremely excited and anxious for her debut as she accompanies me down the isle November 1st!

My Own Little Project Runway

Tayler has always been a very creative kid, and a master creator. Much to my horror, she can cut, glue, bend, break, re-arrange and mix most anything...into something...usually involving things like her brand new bed sheets (that came in a set, that match her bedspread), or my favorite summer dress, feathers and lots of cardboard boxes...and NOTHING in this world keeps her happier and more entertained. Lately, she's taken to cutting the sleeves off of all of her long-sleeve shirts and sporting them as punk rocker arm bands complete with thumb holes, apparently she pulls most of her inspiration from Avril Lavigne, which I guess is still better than either of the Spears girls, so I'll take it.

Yesterday, most likely inspired by the latest fashion exploits of her mother, Tayler decided that her one and only goal in life was to become a world-renowned fashion designer. Being the excellent and supportive mother that I am, told her "great, you create 10 outfits, and I will call everybody I know here in St. Pete, and get you in on one of the shows"..cause we all know, with Tay's adhd, the chances that this fad will last past the third outfit are slim to none, but hey, you need to encourage your kids...right? But for now..and probably to the middle of next week, she's going to eat, sleep, and breath fashion.

Here she is modeling her first creation, that mommy had to kindly explain "was great for walking down the runway or rocking out with your friends..in the privacy of your bedroom, but NOT school, or otherwise appropriate 10 year old public apparel"

....she made the skirt....thingy....and when she first appeared wearing it, it was not accompanied by the mommy-suggested obviously required leggings.

Yes...I do realize....I am in for MUCH trouble in imminent, looming, panic inducing upcoming teenage years.

Move over Coco Chanel...Tay's on the scene!

Vogue

I am NOT a model. I do not WANT to be a model. The only characteristics I possess that even closely resemble a model are:

1: At 5'9", I'm fairly tall
2: I can walk in a straight line..in heels

Now, I'll admit, that I may have flirted with the idea of being an international super model when I was younger (like 9), but those fantasies were quickly dashed when at 17 I found myself pregnant, and thereafter stretch-marked and saggy in places where real models are smooth and perky (or mostly just flat).

Anyhow. Being that I am naturally drawn to unstable people, and unstable people tend to be artistic, I have met quite a few people in the "art industry" here in Florida. Somehow, I got caught up in doing fashion shows for local designers and artists.

I got a kick out of it at first (I am after-all an attention whore), but quickly caught on that spending up to 10 hours per show, surrounded by "like, Oh..my..god" 18 to twenty-somethings, while acting as a slave to somebody else's art...for free, just isn't my cup of tea. So I "retired", from something I was never paid to do, that in all honesty, I had no business doing in the first place.

Now that I've rambled on about that... last week, one of my very talented artist friends called me in a panic after he fired one of his models, begging me to step in. At first I tried to get out of it, and then being the sucker that I am, started to feel bad, and finally agreed to do the show. I will say though, if I am going to do any show for any artist, it would be Wearable Art walking for Frank Strunk. I actually had a really fun time. Tay and Ross came to cheer me on. Ross gave Tay the camera in order to keep her occupied, so here is me on the runway...shot by Tay.















Here I am in all my radical 80's hair and camel toe glory, in metal lingerie by Frank Strunk III...shot by Tampa Bay Muse




















In other, more interesting, weekly update news...School got off to a late start, due to the imminent threat that was the big bad hurricane Fay. That never did get to hurricane status, and didn't even come anywhere near us, but still managed to induce panic in the Florida senile masses. So school started today instead. Tay is now a 5th grader, which is ironic, because I gave birth to her, like, yesterday. Here she is...

Please ignore the dead grass in the background, as Ross and I are very environmentally conscious people, and do not water in order to save the environment. (haha)

Walk it out bitch!!

I never get invited to the really good parties.....
You have to listen to the guy in the background for the full effect..

It's Good to Have you Back where you Belong

Tayler spends the summer's in San Diego with her dad. A whole 2.5 - 3 months of sand, surf and sun. Livin the good life, spoiled rotten by grandma, uncle B and aunt M, while Ross and I, back here in Florida, enjoy our new found freedom by running around naked and aimlessly like wild banshees (I don't know what the means).
















It's nice..for a little while. Everyone needs a break (of that kit kat bar) every now and then, and it makes us appreciate each other that much more, right? Towards the end though, or last 1.5-2 months (Ok, after about two weeks), the novelty wears off, I don't know what to do with myself, and Ross and I have nobody to focus our deeply ingrained (that probably only pertains to me, as I have 10 years experience to Ross's 2) parental instinct or subconscious need to discipline, and start to turn on each other.


Example

*After I throw a pile of clothes on top of a sleeping Ross, that he left in the dryer for 2 days.....*


R: ummmm...those clothes aren't going to fold themselves.


D: No, the certainly aren't....you are.


R: naaaaa ahhhhh....I'm the man of the house, you're the woman..plus, I'm the one who had to wash them!


D: Congratulations for successfully operating the washer and dryer for the first time in the two years we have lived together..


R: Fold my clothes woman!!! (as he pounds his chest..while still laying in bed with no intentions of getting up before 9am..while I have get ready and go to work)


D: I think you're getting a little big for your britches there bucko..


R: Well..once your done folding my BRITCHES, then maybe we'll talk about it.


D: "stares" ..................................................................... you're dumb.


But..now that my baby is home. 3 inches taller and ten pounds of muscle heavier (thanks to a summer of surfing and her father's strict work-out regimen), spouting newly acquired Cali jargon, ending every sentence with "I mean, really...who DOOOES that??" Our lives can go back to normal...well...our definition of normal anyway, complete with slamming doors, accusations of "you're ruining my life!!", 5mg of adderall daily, messy bedrooms, un-emptied kitty litter boxes, loud and obnoxious friends, water from the pool tracked all through the house, and 3 hour homework sessions/fights. I'll finally be able to sleep at night.



Welcome home baby..mommy missed you!

Babies babies babies!!!!

We have a new addition to the family!

Ross's sister gave birth this past Saturday to a beautiful, healthy baby girl!! She had a natural water birth at home. I cannot even say how much I admire and respect the kind of strength that took. The first thing I did when I got to the hospital to deliver Tay....10 years ago.... was beg for drugs!! What an amazing woman she is!!


















Please give a warm welcome into this crazy world to the beautiful Melina Kai








Proud Papa!









Almost makes me want to do that again................almost.

Me Tarzan

As Ross sits in my office, chewing and smacking as loud as humanly possible on a gummy bear..which by the way, is one of my biggest pet peeves:

D: Are you serious?? You sound like god damn heard of cows...

R: Yeah, well you better shut up...or I'm going to sound like a can of whoop ass...

D: "stares" ...................................................................... you're dumb

Bow Chica Bow Wow

Ross and I took a trip out to Egmont Key this weekend. For those of you un-locals, here's a brief geography/history lesson:

"Accessible only by private boat, Egmont Key has a unique natural and cultural history, including a lighthouse that has stood since 1858. During the 19th century, the island served as a camp for captured Seminoles at the end of the Third Seminole War and was later occupied by the Union Navy during the Civil War. In 1898, as the Spanish - American War threatened, Fort Dade was built on the island and remained active until 1923."

Now it's just the creepy shells of old buildings...where I'm sure our proud American soldiers totured some poor undeserving Indians.. and then lived like beach bums...on their new "found" land.

but there were a few notable things there...Here is a short pictorial.. compliments of my camera phone, because of course we forgot the camera.

turtles...

Palm trees, a beach

an old brick road..where we wanted to find a "nice little secluded spot .. for..you know" .. but were both too hot and sweaty to put forth the effort (we walked about 3 miles in 190 degrees) .... ok .. It's was mostly me not putting forth the effort, but I seriously have fierce Ophiophobia.... Look it up... and I wasn't about to go trapsing through the brush..or exposing mine for that matter.

Notice the blurred vision due to heat stroke ...

And my cute little gangsta man...

All and all it was kiiiind of interesting...but maybe not $30 worth of interesting ... the highlight of the day being the "True Floridian" boat captain who spent 45 minutes chasing down dolphins and trying to run them over for everyone's viewing pleasure.

Shits and Giggles

Ross sent me one of those chain emails with funny shit..it brightened my day..here are a couple I thought you would enjoy, if you haven't already recieved this particular email 783 times already.















And if you don't pass it on to 31 people within 2.6 seconds, you will die a painful horrible death and burn in hell for all eternity. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

The most perfect wedding dress...cancel the dove ceremony

So..me being the brilliant absolute genius that I am..decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and find the most perfect wedding dress...on the Internet.


After months of browsing the web, I came upon .. the most perfect wedding dress. I found a local shop, that did not actually carry the dress..but could order it for me and would include alterations for the same price I would pay by ordering it myself.


Now... most "brides to be" want to make absolutely sure that they have the most perfect wedding dress, on what is the most special day of their lives..right? So what do they do?? They drag their posse to 15 different dress shops and try on 3000 dresses until they put that one on..you know the one.... that just "takes your breath away".. But not me .. being the genius that I am...I go ahead and order this dress, sight unseen..without even trying on a single other dress.


My dress arrives and I go in for my first fitting, and the dress is gorgeous...on the freaken model on the freaken website...but on me...not so much.


Now...I have lived with the effects that gravity and child birth have had on my boobs for over ten years now. I am WELL aware that I cannot pull off anything that does not allow me to wear ample support, so don't ask me why I thought it would be ok to chose a strapless dress with a low back that did NOT allow the use or provide any type of support for my gravity challenged boobs. Those boobies are going down, and by god, they are taking that dress with them!!


The cute little laddies pull and prod and pin the crap out of the dress and assure me that once they take this in here and that in there and move that down there and adjust this here...the dress will stay where it should.


The next two weeks are spent having recurring nightmares of getting my wedding pictures back like this...
















just replace the doves with some of my "vicious" dance moves.


I went in for my second fitting this past Saturday, armed with my most outspoken, honest and picky friend. After 15 minutes of not being able to fit the dress over my hips, or over my head..we call for assistance..5 min later after much wriggling and much sucking in..we manage to get it on and zipped up. Now that it's tight enough to cut off all circulation from the chest down..you would think it would win the battle with the boobs and stay in freaken place...but no. Nope..


Boobs 2
Dress a big fat freaken 0.


The result...the dress will now have straps, and is being taken in another inch. I'm desperately hoping that I fall in love with it during my 3rd fitting..because right now...I'm freaking out!!

Stay tuned...