Somebody Give Me Some Valium!

So...I got online yesterday and started my research for the perfect, simple bridal bouquet, and I quickly realized that it wasn't as simple as saying "I want three of that flower.....wrap it up, let's go", which is the way Davina prefers to shop...obviously.....you heard about the dress drama!!

I wanted to inquire about pricing, and since I no longer use the phone as a means of communication.. I started filling out the standard on-line questionnaire, all of the sudden the little questionnaire starts asking me shit like, what style would you like, followed by a list of 5 or 6 words I had never even hear of. What the hell is a Nosegay or a Biedermeier....and seriously....a muff?? Do people outside of the flower-rapist industry truly know all of this shit?

I called my girl fried, who seems to have a good handle on all of this wedding-etiquette, tradition bull shit, and asked her "what the fuck??"...and you know what...even SHE didn't know about 19 different options of styles for bridal bouquets....on top of the 378,000 types of flowers..and then...and then...893,000 different colors you are forced to decide on!!

With all of the stupid little nick knacks, the 300 different food items, the dress, the flowers, the color co-ordinations (which I REFUSE to do), the centerpieces (which I INSISTED on making on my own....which resulted in daily trips to the craft store for 2 months), the gifts (I STILL can't decide on), the hairstyle, the photographer, the venue, the stupid wedding band, that doesn't match your ring and you don't want, but apparently HAVE to have, and the crap and more crap options out there..it's no wonder people make damn good money doing this professionally for a living....and it's no wonder people (who are not obsessive and neurotic), refuse to get married ever again, unless it involves massive amounts of alcohol, a limo with a sunroof and a drive-through chapel in Vegas!!

Not to mention, the fact that the second you mention wedding little "Cha-Ching" noises go off in their head, and the price automatically triples!

I'll take my flowers in the shape of a 9mm revolver.....so I can shoot myself in the head!!