Dear Passengers

Dear Passengers on Airplanes,

Please take a hint when the person next to you with the blood-shot baggy eyes, that has been flying for the past 8 hours, running from terminal to terminal desperately trying to catch their flight, puts on their earphones, turns the volume ALL the way up, puts their seat back, and closes their eyes. THIS is a sign that the poor exhausted person next to you does NOT want to have an hour and a half conversation about retirement planning through modern portfolio theory. Although you are kind enough, the person next to you just wants ONE FREAKING MINUTE OF QUIET, so don't talk to her...or yourself for the ENTIRE DURATION of the god damn flight!!

Please do not bring you tattered and torn stuffed pet monkey onto an airplane, you are a grown woman at least in your forties (if not, I apologize...MAYBE you could pass for late late thirties, but that's cuttin it pretty close) .. It is also NOT necessary to explain to the public that it is in fact the very first Valentine's present EVER given to you....last year. There is probably a reason for that, and you should keep it to yourself, and leave the stuffed animal at home...maybe with a two year old, where it would be better suited.

Please remember to bring head phones. I don't give a shit how small your ears are, and how much they hurt you. WE do not want to have to sit and listen to hours of "Oh..no you di..innnt"... not all of us enjoy your taste in comedy...and not all of us want to listen to Kenny G for two mother f*ing hours. I don't make you sit on a 4 hour flight and listen to my crap...why in HELL do you find it acceptable to make EVERYONE on the plane listen to yours?.. please take a minute to contemplate the horror that flight would have been, were everyone to be as inconsiderate as you!

Please DO NOT talk animatedly with the psycho lady two seats over, when the person in the middle is trying to sleep. Please DO NOT pass pictures back and forth over the person in the middle seat, who is trying to sleep. Please DO NOT elbow the person next to you as you dig for the afore mentioned pictures in your bag. Please, dear god please....sit still and SHUT UP!!!

And last, Airplane Passengers, Young children do not typically enjoy flying on airplanes. They do not know how to pop their ears and it can be an extremely painful experience for them. These are circumstances when it is perfectly acceptable, and should be required to drug your freaking child. NyQuil works wonders. Three and a half hours of screaming is not fun for you, and is not fun for the rest of the airplane either. Next time you drag your kid on a plane, be prepared, be kind, knock her out. We won't judge you, in fact we'll praise you.

Thank you,

I'm so damn tired, and want nothing more than to just close my eyes and sleep through this flight, but can't....because you're obnoxious...D-licious