As I normally do, because I refuse to lug a purse around a club...and I HATE having things in my pockets...mostly because there isn't any room in the pockets of my PAINTED ON jeans...because A: that's how they make the majority of women's jeans and B: because my fat ass doesn't fit into anything in my closet now that I am "nesting" or whatever you want to call it (sitting on my ass all day eating shit and gaining weight like no body's business) ... that's right...it's none of your business how much I've gained.
Anyway, back to the story....I gave all of my necessities to Ross to carry around in his pockets (because men always have plenty of room in THEIR jeans...wtf??).
That day, I had purchased this: 
My new most favorite thing in the world.
As I handed it to him...I warned that he was to guard it with his life...only letting it out of his sight when I requested it...warning him that his happiness and well being depended on my ownership of this very chap stick.
5 to 12 drinks later...we're wandering around the block in circles trying to find our car and I ask for my precious Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine. Ross searches all of his pockets..and surprise surprise...NO FUCKING Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine!!
I spent the entire car ride home asking in 2 minute intervals..."where is my fucking chap stick??" ... "where is it??" (yes, I know...poor Ross really does put up with that crap...I'm surprised too.)..I also spent the next two days asking "where is my fucking chap stick??"
So...blah blah blah...it's Wednesday, and I had to make a trip to Target, which just so happens to be next to Bath & Body Works..so I run in and purchase another $5 Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine....and tell Ross he's going to have to make it up to me in some form of favor/chore that I will be sure he will NOT enjoy.... later that night..we're at the local Cider House having a drink with a friend and she turns to me and says...
E: "Oh..hey..here's your chap stick back."
D: (eyes bulging out of her head in astonishment and terror) "WTF...how did you get my chap stick??"
E: "You gave it to me at the club and told me to guard it with my life or you would make me miserable forever."
Ross: "Oh...you are so going to pay for this...I think you owe me a PUBLIC apology"
So...here it is...
Baby, I'm sorry I made your life a living hell for three days because you lost my Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine, when in fact, you did not lose my Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine. You are amazing and I suck.
The End
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